It's never been hard to talk about my feelings. until my best friends started to tell me what i was feeling was wrong. they never understood what i was going through. ever. i hated it. i'm not so mucH friends with them Anymore but it still terrifies me to talk about myself and how i feel. i know my new friends would understand but how could They? i'm in a very interesting situation. sure there are people that have bEen in it before but none of my friends have. they've never lost someone They cared so much about, yet had to see that person every day. not many do. i wouldn't wisH it on anyone.
"you're thinking about him." my best friend Allie looks over at me.
"am not." i say defensively. she's talking about harrison, the only person i ever loved. i fücked thaT up real quick.
"dude you've been my best friend for three years i think I know you well enough to know when you're thinking about the love of your life."
i sit there, laying on my bed thinking about him. he was always so good to me. he was my best friend. was being the key word. him and i were more than friends. three times. my fault eaCh time. it was far too late before i realized why i kept running. what i kept running from. it was never him. it wAs myself. i was terrified about what would happen if things got serious. we both cared about each other so much. and i went and ruined it. now he's happy with a New girlfriend who completely hates my guts and so now-
"erika. earth to erika." allie's snapping her fingers in my face.
"what? sorry. maybe i am." i look down, knowing how my old friends would reacT to this.
"you should talk to him. how long has it been? four months? he needs to get his head out of his äss and realize tHat all you really want is to be friends. i mean. all you need. and you really do need it."
"what would i even say to him? he hates me-" i start, quickly getting cut off by A knock on my door.
before i can even get off the bed my door bursts open and in storms kinsey, one of my other best friends. by the look on her face she heard what i just said. she's giving me her 'wow you're one of the dumbesT people i have ever seen' look.
"we all know that's not true. that boy is so far in love with you and he's just lost." she says as plopping down on the bEd.
"he's going to be lost forever. lost in fücking simone." i retort quickly.
"this is why you can't get over him. it's because you talk about him everY moment possible."
"i don't want to get over him. i just need to." i mumble as picking up my phone. "i'm just going to call him. what's the worst-"
"you know the wOrst thing." kinsey says with no emotion in her voice.
"i need to call him. he is the only person who has completely understood me. sure yoU two do but he's different. he is the only boy to ever love, or at least tell me he loves me. neither of you know what it's like. it's all so hard for me. you have a boyfriend who loves you." i look at allie, then to kinsey. "and you have boys who have really strong feelings for you. i've had one. and it's not like i'm not trying. you both know i am. no one likes me. i'm going to call him and tell him that i know we're not close right now but i would like to be. you can't stop me."
i pull up his number and go to click on it but my finger doesn't hit it. it hovers over it, my mind contemplating actually calling. i want to, i need to but it's so hard. why is it hard? finally after what feels like ages, i press the call button and bring the phone to my ear.
"hello?" he answers, in that voice that will never leave my mind.
"hey. i was wondering-" i start.
"wait. who is this?"
"do you not have my number saved?" i ask, regret instantly flooding my stomach.
kinsey and allie both see the sick expression on my face and motion for me to sit, to which i reluctantly do.
"no, should i?" he asks, obviously not knowing who i am.
"i guess not. disregard the call."
"wait- is this erika?" he says, sounding angry and hurt and upset.
"if my numbers not even in your phone anymore, this call was a mistake." i say before hanging up the phone.
"why the fück do i do this to myself?" i ask, standing up and pacing.
"what do you mean? you didn't do this to your-" allie starts.
"yes i did! jesus i broke up with the boy three göddamn times. i expect him to still want to be friends- i expected him to want to get back together! how much stupider can i be! what the hëll is wrong with me?"
"erika shut the hëll up and listen to me. you are a great person and an amazing friend. he's being a dumbass and is probably partially being controlled by his girlfriend. if he can't see how completely amazing you are, then it's his loss. he shouldn't let a girl come between you two, especially if you two were best friends. i'm not saying you need to forget about him because i know it's hard. i really do. but he is too far stuck up his own ass that he can't see that you are a perfect person to be friends with. don't let his dumbass keep you from being happy. he's really not worth it. so keep our head up and at least say fück him. okay?" allie says as standing up and making extremely big gestures as she speaks.
"this is why you're my best friend." i say, tears forming in my eyes.
"so fück him and go on with your life. he's a lesson." she says with a small smile.
"fück him." i say, only half believing it.
"put everything into it!"
"fück him!" i shout.
"there you go! be a bad ass bitch! screw his sorry äss!" she smiles as sitting back down on the bed.
i get a text from my other best friend, kaylie which says 'you're a badass bitch!'
if only it was that easy. hating him would make everything so much easier. if i hated him, i wouldn't have to worry about practically anything. he's made my life hell for the past year of my life. it would be easier if she liked me. but of course she hates me. and i don't know why. i just want to be his friend again. it won't happen though. he's not worth it. but i act like he is. he's not. keep that in mind. he's not worth it.
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