Random Shit And Updates

Scared

You'll never know when I'm scared, unless it's over something stupid like a spider or something.

You'll think I'm childish and stupid and you won't look up to me because of those things.

But you would if I showed what I'm really afraid of.

Because what I'm afraid of, is fucking traumatizing and relatable and brave and everything you experience in the span of a month all piled into one second going on for all my life and I'll never really get over it. It'll always be there.

I guess it's not really a fear anymore, as I don't curl up into a ball and sob every time I think about it like I used to, but I'm still terrified it'll happen again.

You'll never be able to tell when I'm scared because you'll never get to know me well enough to know the subtle signs that indicate I'm fucking loosing it.

I'll hold onto it and once I'm all alone I'll cry and I'll cry until my head hurts. I'll cry for hours and you'll never know it because I always look fine after crying.

I've got a good cycle. It works, and keeps me alive, keeps me moving.

Keeps me pretending.

I started it over recently, so it's gonna hurt, but I'll be fine.

It's this;

Allow myself some happiness.

Slowly let the bad thoughts creep up on me.

Let something big that's not really big but is big to my fragile fucking brain happen to me.

Let me and my heart and my soul break.

Build up walls with all the broken pieces in there.

Let someone finally break those walls, only to find the empty husk I actually am and leave.

Fish out the pieces that I can find that haven't turned to dust and try and make something from the pieces and ruble in hopes that I'll get a lasting friend.

Repeat.

It's fine though.

Something big'll happen soon.

And I know exactly everyone who's going to leave.

So I need to get ready.

I'm not ready to go through this again.

I'm scared.