Pretending to be Married (destiel)

Chapter 21

"I'm sorry" Dean mumbled as they made their way back to the house, "I shouldn't have been shitty and quiet in there, it's not fair on you. Couple or not I shouldn't just leave you in the lurch like that. I'm such a terrible person, how could i do that to you Cas, it's not okay, I'm so sorry."

Cas squeezed his hand and stopped walking, slowing Dean with their clasped hands. "Stop. Please just stop doing that." Dean looked at Castiel mildly confused. "You have to stop putting yourself down, and beating yourself up over things, its not okay. I have watched you do it for 6 years, the first time I met you  told me you didn't think you deserved to be saved." Cas sighed, clearly getting upset, Dean was looking towards the floor.

"When you do that it doesn't just impact you. It breaks my heart to see you do it because you don't deserve it. You're an incredible human being Dean, one of the best and you have given so much to this world, why can you not see the good in you?" Cas stepped closer, "Like I do, like Sam does. The whole world sees that you're good and kind, why can't you see it too? You're important Dean and loved and you do not deserve the crap you put on yourself, it's not fair. Please, understand for me, for yourself, that you are important."

Dean went to pull away, to say something to end the moment before he cried.

"Don't you dare try to wave this off Dean, I know you. I know that you think you don't deserve to be saved and I know that you're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, but Dean, you are not alone. You will always, always have me but I can't stand and watch you beat yourself up over everything, every time you show weakness."

Cas knew he had tears in his eyes, he knew Dean was in the same state.

"As much as you think you deserve to be left alone, as much as you think that everything that goes wrong of your fault, I need you to know it's not. You can't keep saving the world and hating yourself Dean, it will break you. I know you think I'm over reacting in this situation but this has been a long time coming."

Dean looked up a little confused. "I've known you for 6 years Dean, I've watched as you've torn yourself apart to help others, I've seen how you believe everyone deserves to be saved but yourself, I can't do that any more. You blaming yourself for things as small as this, that's the last straw for me."

Silence seemed to surround them as both thought over Castiel's words. Whilst Dean was over whelmed Cas was panicking that he had come on too strong, that he'd said far more than needed for this situation.

Cas turned his head slightly, beginning to feel embarrassed for his outburst towards Dean.

It was because he wasn't looking that he was shocked at suddenly being engulfed in a hug from Dean.

After the initial shock he threw his arms around Dean, holding him close. They didn't say anything they just held each other, knowing that's what both of them needed.

After a while Dean pulled away a little to look at Cas, "If you get to say that to me then I have something to say to you." Cas cocked his head in confusion before Dean continued "Stop feeling like you're unnecessary and disposable and not important. You forget I've known you for 6 years too and I know how you think."

Castiel looked down, embarrassed. "Hey don't," Dean continued, to which Cas looked up, "Seems we're both a bit messy and broken. I know neither of us do the whole emotional thing, but..but" Dean looked away shyly, not looking at Cas helped him get his words out, "Maybe we could start being more open with each other? Cas I want to help you and you seem hell bent on helping me. Why don't we try honesty, it was something Jo said we needed to work on."

In reply to this Castiel pulled Dean back into a hug he willingly accepted.

This place had changed them. Sure both were freaked out at the thought of being open with emotions but being willing to attempt it was a huge step for both of them.

At some point Dean pointed out that they were still in the middle of the street and they wondered back hand in hand, secretly scared of and glad of the vow they just made.