Behind The Mask

December 24

December 24

Well, long time, no write! This thing has been in the freezer so long it has freezer burn... I'll have to get a new one. Maybe I can put it on my Christmas list! Even though it's twelve hours away from actual Christmas Day...

Anyways, it's the holidays, and everyone's in such a good mood. Now that Ava (Jason's cousin- long story, short: she blamed herself, I blamed her... But it's all good now) and I have resolved our issues, she's becoming my best friend. And now that I'm not so dependent on Dallas, he's gotten closer to his old friend, Kyle, and a few other guys from the swim team. Once Christmas break is over, they'll start practicing for swimming meets, so I'm glad Dallas is getting a head start on being friends with his teammates.

As for me, I got lucky, because they started One-Act Play late this year, and I got to try out. I have the main part. Somehow, I'm a natural at being dramatic... Huh. Imagine that? Haha

Poor Ava's still hiding behind her shell, but now that she's transferred here I've made it a personal goal to break her out of her shyness! I have a whole plan...

As for my dad, he's gone. Good riddance. My mom is so much happier without him around. It's like I never knew the real her, which, I guess I actually didn't. There's always music playing around the house, and it's the good kind that most everyone likes. She even let Dallas and Max stay in their own rooms here at the house- we had a "little" space to spare.

There's a Christmas party tonight. Mom and I have been planning it for ages. (Okay, not really. More like... a week.) It's here at the house, and a good amount of people are coming. Dallas' friends, Ava, a few of my mom's friends from college and art mentors, Ava's family, Max, Aunt Bea and her new boyfriend (they're absolutely adorable!), and.. Well, that's all I can think of. There's gonna be karaoke, a dancing area, tons of refreshments, games (fun ones, like twister and charades), and the works. I just hope no one shows up in a fancy outfit, because all of us teenagers have a huge ambush planned for the adults. It might involve silly string, confetti, glitter, and nerf guns. Just maybe. And a few water balloons.

Oh, and Ava's got a crush! (You could hear me sing that sentence while I wrote it, right?) It's so cute! And he's perfect for her. They're both little bookworms and they both run when they're stressed or bored and he's totally into the chivalry thing. (How do I know? Let's just say, I'm considered one of the guys. So I know stuff.) They'd probably already be dating, but Ava's a total klutz around her crushes and last time she was near Adam... Well, his bruise is still there. And he's actually almost as socially awkward as she is, (Who knew that was possible?) so, of course, he hasn't asked her out yet. Seriously. Do I have to do everything myself? I hung up a lot of mistletoe for the party... And they don't know about the ambush. I have plans. Evil plans... *laughs maniacally*

Okay... Subject change! So... Whenever we went to Subway and I talked things out with Ava... That wasn't the only thing I was thinking about. Before, Dallas had caught me staring, and I said I'd tell him what I was thinking about later. But I haven't yet. It's just hard for me to put into words. Standing there, watching him, I felt something I'd never felt before. For a few seconds, I was just... scared. Scared of what, I'm not exactly sure. All I know is that suddenly I wanted to take him for myself and run and never have to look back. I wanted it to be just me and him. And I was so terrified that if I didn't do that, I'd lose him, right there and then. Of course, I was being ridiculous. But that feeling still hits me sometimes, mostly when I'm feeling lonely. It doesn't happen a lot, but I still get scared. I just feel like... now that everything's going right, something's got to go wrong, and it's bound to be between me and Dallas. But I'm only imagining things and being paranoid, right? Surely he hasn't felt like this. I mean, he's a guy. Guys are just... guys.

Another thing that hit me that day was the fact that Dallas couldn’t have come to me by chance. Ever since Jason died, I've never been okay with the idea of God. I couldn't understand how the love of my life (at the time) could just be taken from me, and I definitely think I could just be okay with that. How was I supposed to trust someone who had taken so much from me? But now that I've got Dallas and things are so much better, I think I understand. God had to take Jason away so Dallas could find me (or vice versa. Whatever). And I think that he have me the dad I had so I would be more careful with guys but still learn how to speak my mind. I'm not completely sure about all of this God stuff yet, but I'm trying. Maybe that's what really matters.

Moving on... As far as Christmas presents go, I went to the mall the other day with Max and picked out plenty.

Max helped me think of what to get for my mom. I quote his flawless logic: "You should get her a picture of you, because you're why she dwaws, and maybe your picture could help her think of what else to dwaw. And because she wuvs you very much." That kid gets smarter every day, I swear. Even with that adorable, baby-ish voice of his, he's very wise.

Then, for the guys, I spent a full day and a half setting up a "man cave." There's tons of stuff inside those black walls: a bookcase stuffed with video games and movies, a 72" flat screen TV that's connected to the Wii, Netflix, and cable, beanbags and reclining chairs (I think a few of them are massage chairs too), a huge fridge filled with junk food and protein shakes.. But wait! There's more! A whole section of the room just for working out, a microwave, and an air hockey table. I am PROUD of myself. Those boys had better love me for this!

For Dallas, I still haven't bought anything... Believe me, I looked. I dragged poor Max around for an hour before I have up and started looking for other people. I just don't know what to get him? I'm probably over-thinking this. Oh well.

But I did get Max stuff. To add to his growing collection, I grabbed a few different plastic dinosaurs, a bag of Skittles, and a ginormous stuffed Stegosaurus. Of course, I didn't get the stuffed dinosaur in the cart before he laid eyes on it, but it won't matter. He'll forget about it by tomorrow. Sometimes it helps to have a Christmas shopping buddy who has the attention span of a parrot.

For Ava, I bought a new journal, a fancy pen, an iTunes gift card, and a camera. Why the camera? Well, she lacks self-confidence, remember? It's all part of my master plan to change that girl's life! So, if I were you, I just wouldn't ask.

As for me, I don't care if I don't get anything at all this Christmas. I really don't. Usually, I have this crazy, long list, but things sure have changed. I’ve changed. And now, all I want for Christmas is what I have every day- my family by my side.

I've learned that family isn't just the people you share blood with. A lot of the time, those people aren't real family to you anyways (unless you're some person out there with a totally non-dysfunctional, blood related family out there. In that case... you, my friend, are odd, but blessed. Enjoy it). My family is made up of the people I care about, and the people who care about me. They're all I need. Why should blood tell you who to love the most?

Well, I should get back to decorating. The party's tonight (in case you forgot), and I've got all the guys over here, helping with cook the food and hang up streamers. I'm extremely surprised one of them hasn't barged in here yet. But it's bound to happen soon, so I'd better go. Bye! Back in the freezer you go!

- Gwen xoxo

P.S. Can you believe it's been only almost a month since this all started? Crazy...