Chasing Moonlight #savealife

Chapter 19 : An Escape

I am holding a knife in my hand, the blade is aiming at my wrist. I think of how painful it will be when the blade will pierce my skin, hit the artery and blood will come gushing out. I think how long it will take for me to leave this world for good in my own pool of blood. I wonder if they will discover me before I die or not. I wonder if I'll scream or not, cry or not.

Killing myself was not an option earlier. I always put what I was supposed to do ahead of what I wanted to do. I always wanted to get away from the man who built half of me, who scares me to the point of no return, who can hurt me in every way possible. But then there was mother, my innocent mom who was living as much for me and Anubhav as we were for her. And there was Anubhav too. No, I couldn't leave them behind not until I knew they were safe, not until they were happy.

So, what changed my mind? The scenes flicker in my mind like a fresh memory normally does.

I was driving, mum riding shotgun. Everybody suggested against me driving considering my mental health. I was no follower of rules. I never thought of myself as an ill person. Especially when it came to driving.

I hit a motorcyclist. In my defence, it was not my fault. But then who says it was their fault? And besides accidents were as much a matter of chance as the weather report was.

I was entering a new road. Everybody was waiting, waiting being the keyword here, for me to get my car out of the way. He came out of nowhere and hit my car. Luckily, he didn't fall and get hurt.

But the incident got engraved in my mind. I couldn't get over it and my mother's words "What are you doing?". Even though she said softly, they hit me like a truck. What was I doing?

I was sorry it happened. Way too sorry for anybody to understand. I still am. But somehow the feeling brew into something else. I wanted to prevent it from happening again. I didn't want to hurt anyone again.

So, here I am, rubbing the knife lightly into my skin. I am scared it will hurt like hell. I keep rubbing till it starts hurting and then I stop. There is a pink line now where moments ago the knife was. I can't do it. I don't want to live. But I can't bring myself to kill me. I don't want to live like this anymore.

I burst into tears and lie down on the floor. Nobody knows what I'm doing. Everybody is asleep, deep in sound, lovely dreams.

I am all alone.