Letters to Edmund

LXVI

Dear Edmund:

I have no freaking idea what the hell happened today, at all.

Maybe you have noticed Edmund (maybe you have not, I don't know if you care, really) but I've been getting better, with the whole depression thing.

My mind doesn't feel like the ocean during a storm as much or as often. I don't feel as if I'm made of crashing waves and endless dark depths.

And surprisingly, I've made some friends, only a few, and mostly guys, but still.

There's Michael, for example, the boy's really something. Ever since he discovered my middle name, he only ever calls me by both names, like a weird 'Hazel Grace' thing. He draws, like I do, but better. And his handwriting is all pretty, like calligraphy. He is the only person that can ever touch my sketchbook, we have this thing where he asks me for it and then gives it back with a drawing or a message (like pretending he is me and writing a "dear diary" entry with his lady handwriting). And we are the only ones in the classroom that can keep up with each other's sarcasm, because instead of getting offended or backing down, we give each other hell. In the good way.
And I swear to god that kid has no knowledge of the concept of personal space, but it works, he rarely brings school supplies so we share mine because we sit next to each other. Or when the teacher lets us listen to music we share my iPod (He has a really intense obsession with the song chandelier, and he refuses to listen to my weird music at all). People look at us weird because we are both kind of quiet, but still we can communicate perfectly and we do weird stuff like having entire conversation using only our eyebrows, or passing each other school material from my pencil case in perfect coordination in between a tangle of earphone cables. He doesn't read much, but has insisted in reading my books, especially this one, even though he wouldn't really be able to read it in English, and then complains when I won't let him. He is protective, and amazing. He doesn't know I'm ill, but he knows something's up. And he tries to help me feel as comfortable as he can, in that intuitive way of his, while still keeping up that whole 'hot, popular, confident' facade he has going on.

Then there's Dylan, he sits next to me in English class and is perpetually amazed by my ability to have an 'approximate knowledge of many things' like that one cat from adventure time. He is a total flirt and is really funny. He  was in the same school that I was in kindergarten and we used to be best friends (he is convinced we were kindergarten sweethearts but I'm convinced we weren't). When I got tired of sitting in the tree house and having tea parties with the girls. I would go with the boys and play Power Rangers, or x-men (I was always mystique because my parents wouldn't let me watch the movie and she was the only character I knew). Maybe that's why he is one of the few people that I can touch without freaking out. He is a touchy-feely kind of guy, he does stuff like randomly braiding my hair, or giving me a massage, or high-fiving me every time we say hello, or guiding me with his hands on my back when we go out the classroom, or constantly grabbing my hands because he thinks my small fingers are interesting. And when I'm not in the mood he gets it, and treats me the same and doesn't say anything, though he is careful not to touch me or invade my space.

And then there's you Edmund. Because yes, I consider you as one of my best friends. Though I'm sure by now you must know how I feel about you really. And strangely enough, Michael and Dylan are in your close group of friends, and I'm glad they are, because they are amazing. People are always so surprised when they see them acting friendly with me, or even when they find out I talk to them, or know them (it happens a lot because it seems all the kids in my old school became popular but me, so people are surprised when they know my name) which is stupid, because high school food chains are stupid, and hell yeah I'm good friends with the school's group of hot guys, the bunch of idiots (you guys, if you were wondering).

But today was weird, because I know we are all teenagers, and I know that hormones are actually a thing. And today there was actually honest to god (oh dear) flirting.

It's not a weird thing, it's high school, after all. But I'm sure there must've been something in the water because. God damn, seriously? All of you? On the same day? The fact that I was the victim made the whole thing a lot weirder.

Michael was just, Michael, only a lot more intense. Light sarcastic bickering is our thing. But today was different. The 'she's mine' when this one guy joked about borrowing me from him for a project. When the guy said that Michael wanted to be more than friends with me and he responded with 'I want to be more than her friend... I want to be her best friend". Or when he winked at me when Abby started teasing him about liking me. It was all a joke, I know better than to think it was real. And it was honestly a bit fun. And I laughed and went along.

In English class I said I needed a hug, Rhoda loves giving hugs but I don't let her most of the time, only on certain occasions when I'm in the mood. Rhoda sits in front of Dylan so he obviously heard. Rhoda got up to hug me and Dylan joined in (I had noticed he was especially affectionate that day, he had played with my hands more than usual while talking) he kissed the top of my head and put an arm around my shoulders on our way out of the classroom. Rhoda cooed at us and laughed.

And then you (holly hell). You asked me for the English homework, and maybe you felt guilty or something because you said that I could copy the Math work we were doing, because I hadn't finished. But Abby was copying it.

So you went to her desk and asked for the notebook so that I could copy the work. But she didn't want to give it to you, so you told her to take a picture so that I could have it. She said she was almost done.

It would have been fine, I could solve the problems myself, but I didn't, it would probably be rude of me to just turn away and start doing it myself.

Michael was smirking, like he always is, and watching it all play out.

"Come on" you say, trying to wiggle the notebook out from Abby's grasp "I need to give Alex the notebook".

When you managed to get the notebook, only after Abby was done, Michael looked at you. "Woah dude, is she your crush or something?" To be fair, you were quite urgently trying to give me the notebook. Probably because you needed the English homework.

But then you dropped the notebook on my desk as you left, and put an arm around my shoulder in a one armed hug. And my heart shot up straight to my throat.

"Yeah, she's definitely my crush, I really like her". And holy fucking shit Edmund. I couldn't even breathe. I screamed internally for the next five minutes because damn, this was too much for me.

You'll kill me one day I swear.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
Picture of Michael's drawings and 'diary entries' in my sketchbook. He does them in like two seconds and it makes me so mad because I have to spend a lot of time and effort in all my drawings (I crossed my real name out because I'm paranoid like that) I know the chapter's different than usual but I wanted to write about these idiots.