The Protective Heart ✔️

14. Protecting her from starving

Crystal's POV

Mom.

Everything you did. Everything you said. It's haunting me. It's ringing in my head.

Mom.

Please, come back. Let me wake up from this nightmare. I can't live like this.

Mom!

Why did you do this? Was it really so bad that you left your little girls to face this world on their own?

Mom! Don't you hear me?!

"Crystal." I looked up, brought out of my thoughts by Bridget's soft voice. I was sitting underneath my covers, my knees up to my chest and my arms wrapped around them. I knew I looked like shit. I hadn't showered in two days and I've laid in my bed since I got home from seeing my mom's body in that morgue. I hadn't even gone to any of my classes or work. I stared at Bridget, feeling completely numb.

"Crystal, you need to get out of this bed." Her voice was trying so hard to reach me. But my entire being was so cold and dark, nothing was going change the way I was feeling, or rather wasn't feeling. I couldn't connect with any emotions at this point. The sadness I should feel isn't there...its just...empty.

So I just stared at her.

"You know Declan's match is today?" She asked. I kept staring at her. I didn't care about that, I wanted to forget about Declan. He was the reason I neglected my mom. I should've been there for her and I wasn't because I was too preoccupied with my feelings for him.

"You can't just live in this bed for the rest of your life." She told me, becoming a little more stern. I planned on staying in this bed until I got kicked out of college and then I would live on the street until I died. I didn't deserve anything different, not after leaving my mom like that.

I stared at her.

"Can you at least say something?" She asked, begging at this point. I had nothing to say. There was nothing I could say without breaking down into tears and she had never seen me cry before. I wasn't about to let her see me cry now, that was sure.

I stared at her.

She sighed and shook her head as she stood up.  She walked over to the door and opened it.

"I can't help you if you're not willing to help yourself, Crystal." She said, looking at me one last time before closing the door, leaving me alone again. I stared at where she had been sitting on my bed.

I didn't want her help. I didn't even want to help myself. I didn't deserve it. If I hadn't been so consumed by Declan, I would've put more effort into making sure my mom was ok. I knew when I talked to her that she wasn't alright, despite what she had said. I was so angry at myself. My sister was right. My mom died because of me. My mom killed herself because of me. I put my face into my knees. I welcomed the pain inside of me, letting it consume me. I knew the guilt was eating me alive and I was ok with it. I didn't care if I lived or died at that point. I slowly laid down and pulled the comforter over me. I closed my eyes and mentally condemned myself until I fell asleep. The darkness and nightmares that were going to come was exactly what I deserved.

*the next morning*

I woke up to a nudge on my shoulder. I opened my eyes slowly to see Bridget, her face full of concern. I turned over so I was facing away from her. I didn't want to deal with her right now. I had enough of the lectures and prodding of her trying to get me to go back to normal. I didn't think I would ever be normal again.

"Goldi." I shot up to a sitting position at the too familiar voice to see the mismatched eyes that I had tried so hard for the past two days to forget. He had a black eye and his whole body looked sore by the way he was standing. His eyes were full of worry and sympathy. It made me angry, which was the first feeling that I had since my mom passed.