I'm falling in love with my best friend (Patrick Stump)

Xo

End of school day

We all gathered around the tree. Pete and Patrick didn't bring up what happened earlier. At least not yet.

We waiting for everyone to clear out like usual before walking back. It's great how I've been back for 2 days and I've already gotten bashed on.

We all started walking. Pete and Joe were talking about band practice which is today. All the guys are walking to Joes which means I have to walk home alone most of the trip.

We continued walking when we were close to Joes street.

"Want me to walk you home?" Patrick asked.

"No you gotta go to practice. Just like all the other Tuesday's of the other years." He smiled.

"Are you sure. I don't want you to get hurt."

"Don't worry about me Trick." I said. The four turned down Joes street.

"Bye Jordan text us when you're home!" Andy shouted. I gave him a thumbs up and kept walking.

I walk a lonely road the only one that I have ever known

All the bad thoughts are starting to come back. I thought they'd be gone now. Forever.

I thought two years ago when I met Pete, Andy, and Joe that it would all stop. It did. The constant not caring, sadness, tired, lazy. It went away.

Now it's coming back and I can't stop it. What if I can never stop it. I bothered the guys so much last time I can't again.

I can do it on my own right.

I walked up to my front door unlocking it. I dropped my bookbag to the ground and texted in the group chat I was home.

I had so much work to do. So much stress piling up. What did I do. Avoided it all and went to sleep.

Of course that's all I want to do. Sleep. Have no social interaction. Sleep. Sleep. Avoid everything. Sleep. Maybe just get off the planet.

The bullies, stress, unreasonable expectations, the constant anxiety. The old memories. Before everything bad happened. I don't want to remember it at all. The promises I made need to all fade away from my memory.

That's another thing. Why do wI remember the embarrassment. Anything we want to remember we forget. And what we want to forget we remember.

We remember the things we hate about ourselves.

I set myself up to hate myself.

Friday

We walked to Petes house after school every Friday. I honestly just wanted to stay home. I love the guys so much but I don't want to do anything. Plus we're celebrating Joes birthday which was Wednesday.

"Okay I'm good lets go." Andy said walking out of the building towards us. He had to get an assignment from a teacher.

We started walking. At first it was quiet but Pete started up a conversation. I didn't contribute.

We arrived at Petes and Patrick kept giving me weird looks. The three guys were playing video games. Patrick wasn't because the fourth remote was charging. I said I didn't really like the game they were playing.

Patrick came and laid next to me on Petes bed.

"What's up?" Patrick asked.

"Nothing just watching the guys."

"J, I know something is wrong. I know you don't want to tell me so I'm not gonna force you. Just please tell me when you're ready."

"Ok."

Patrick smiled. I love seeing him smile. I love everything about him. I know my feelings toward Patrick are something more than the other guys. It's been that way since we met.

I've always felt something more towards him. I just won't admit it to myself even though it constantly floats around my head.

"Hey how about we all go get pizza." Pete said once the finish the level. "Yea." Everyone agreed. Joe opened up his gifts and thanked us all.

We all got our stuff together. Saying bye to Petes mom. We shoved ourselves into Petes car. We all are very small humans.

Pete played the radio and he sang obnoxiously to the songs on the radio.

Patrick and I were talking about the chemistry project we have to do together. He asked if we could work on it Monday since he didn't bring home any of his stuff.

"I'm gonna marry this pizza."

"Good luck having sex with that." I told Pete. At the same time a small child was walking by and we were giving strange looks.

I mean I was just being honest.

(September 3rd)