I'm falling in love with my best friend (Patrick Stump)

Freak out and give in

June 31 Thursday

Things have been starting to become bad. Really bad. I realized how much Patrick blocked out my thoughts.

He blocked it out and made it go away.

Only for a little while of course. Little did I know it would all come back. I've been so alone. So alone. So scared. Every night. Crying. Shaking. Crying again.

It's not just my mom anymore.

Memories haunt me now.

My dad never home. Sydney is gone on vacation. The guys aren't here. They can't talk for long. And when they do its nothing special.

I'm slowly going insane.

I stay up late at night. Turning the music all the way up. Thinking any noise I here is something or someone in the house.

I never feel alone but I feel so alone. Like I'm always being watched. It never leaves.

The voice in my ear telling me I'm not worth it. I'm not worth being able to be with Patrick.

Why should I be. He could do so much more better.

Get a skinny girl. Pretty. There's so many out there. He's probably with one now if he had realized that I'm nothing but shit.

My phone buzzed making me jump. I picked it up seeing a text from Patrick.

Why would he want to be with me. Huh? I'm nothing. Useless.

Useless.

Worthless.

No good piece of shit.

That's all I'll ever be.

I got up picking up the small device.

Hey baby. Just got to Kansas. Can't wait to see your beautiful face again. I'm sorry if I woke you.

No you didn't. I can't wait to see you too.

I put down the phone. I looked over at the window. That would be a nice place to jump out of.

I'm not going to.

Patrick would be disappointed. But would he really.

My song ended on the album. I went over to put on another cd. As I put it in I hear a creak.

I hurried and started the cd.

I went over to my door locking it. I'm 18 and I'm scared of my house.

I sat in my bed blankets surrounding me even though it's summer.

I tried to go to sleep but it wouldn't work. Memories would come into my mind uninvited.

It wasn't till 5am when I found sleep. Knowing id have to wake up at 8 to go to work.

With Sydney not being at the apartment I was at my dads house. Big mistake considering that at the apartment there's people all around just not in my room with me. On different floors.

I woke up on time tried as hell.

July 2 Saturday

Today I got to see Patrick. I got ready making sure I looked my best.

I drove out to the venue. My shitty car was now placed with my grandparents old car. Better than the one before. They decided the only needed one car now and asked if I wanted it.

I got to the venue so I could see everyone else preform. I'd be seeing the guys again on July 5th.

I watched all the other performances then the guys came on. They were amazing.

I watched Patrick the whole time. I could tell he looked for me in the first song. Until he found me in the crowd. He looked at me for all 6 songs.

I was very close to the stage.

The guys ran off and I went over to where Patrick and I said we'd meet.

I ran through all the people running to find him. Just to see him again. Hug him. Kiss him. Look into his eyes.

I found him and ran to him. He hugged me and kissed me. I'm so pathetic I started to cry.

"I missed you so much." He said.

"I've missed you too." I said "you don't even know." I added quietly.

He looked into my eyes putting his one hand on my neck the other on my cheek pulling my face towards his kissing me.

"God, I can't even put how much I love you into words." He said.

I just stupidly smiled at him.

He took me too the bus where I saw the other guys.

"Jordan!" The said attacking me in a hug.

"Hey." I said in a small quiet voice.

We all sat taking about how the tour had been and just everything. I haven't talked about myself though.

Nothing fun has happened. Unless you count being terribly depressed fun.

The guys went outside after a while and it was just Patrick and I. He looked at me and smiled.

"God I love your smile." I said.

"How do you feel when I smile?" He asked.

"Like an idiot. And like I never want it to stop."

"When I'm with you it'll never stop."