21 Reasons Why

Reason 5

Reason 5: Sometimes, holding on does more damage than letting go.

April 9th, 2015.

Dear Kade,

I didn't want to wake up. It's your birthday. Happy birthday! I'm sorry I couldn't wish you or I act as if I didn't know it was your birthday today. I do, really. It was on my mind since last night. I saw you spending your day with your friends. It must feel good, huh? Having friends. Having someone you could depend on. You're not alone, Kade. Unlike me.

Mom tried to get me to therapy. I refused. I told her that I am normal and that I don't need any help. I think, she noticed. I've been eating less and wearing long sleeves. But she ignored it. I saw it in her eyes – she wants her little baby back. Too bad, that girl was long gone. I looked at myself at the mirror today.

I never did, because I was scared what I would look like.

I looked like shit, Kade. I looked like someone who hasn't eaten for ages. And someone who's under drugs. And maybe, I really am under drugs. The thing is; I'm not under real drug like cocaine but harming myself. I'm addicted in harming myself.

I know, it's not healthy. I couldn't care less. My cousins wouldn't hang out with me anymore. They ignored me just like how you ignored me. I hate how everyone eventually get tired of me and get up and leave. I was searching around my room when I found the diary where we both shared.

You gave me your bit when I was nearly 17. Precisely, 2 weeks before you stopped talking to me. You wouldn't even look at me at the face. I opened it slowly and I saw your messy handwriting. The diary was filled of so many memories we've made and I was so sad when it was reaching to the end. I didn't even realize I was crying until tears slipped out from my eyes.

There was a knock outside the door. My mom shouted me from downstairs for me to get it since she's busy doing laundries. I opened the door and saw you. You were startled and shocked. You weren't expecting me, I guess. You gave me the fudge and told me that your mom asked you to bring it over to us. I mumbled a small thank you before shutting the door in front of your face.

It felt good. It showed that I didn't want to talk to you and your presence near me was suffocating. But I want to talk to you. Your presence never really bothered me but I want you to get the message that I wasn't able to get. I snuggled into the sweater that you left with me. I miss your presence, really. I miss how dorky you were and I miss having your arms warped around mine.

I still remember the promise that we made with each other. We promised each other that whatever happens – we'll never be apart and we'll always be together. But we were young, weren't we? We thought that we were never going to separate and forever is a long time.

Truth is, forever isn't that very long-lasting. It can be over in a split second.

Signed,

Esther