21 Reasons Why

Reason 12

Reason 12: Remembering seems to get the best of me.

June 4th, 2015.

Dear Kade,

Your mom invited us for dinner. I didn't want to go but mom insisted me to go so I had to. While I was preparing myself, I thought of everything that could happen in the few hours I went to your house and if you actually would engage a conversation with me.

Nah, you probably won't. You're probably too busy now with Micayla and all. I was planning to congratulate you for having a proper girlfriend where you actually made Facebook official. As time passes by, we were already making our way to your house. Nervous, I sat at the back seat trying to calm my shaking fingers and breathe. Mom even checked up on me for once in a while asking if I was alright.

As we stood in front of the front door, mom rang the bell and your dad opened it. They greeted each other and as soon as your dad saw me, he hugged me. He told me how much he missed me. We hang around for a bit in the living room catching up with each other's life before your mom called out for all of us because dinner was ready. You never came down when we first came. Probably because I was there.

Dinner wasn't all that awkward, mom asked you a few questions and you answered back politely, flashing a smile. That time was when I wondered if the you I've always knew was gone or not. It seems like nothing really changed when I saw you that way but then it all disappeared when your eyes flickered onto mine and I saw something burning in your eyes.

I just noticed that my sleeves were up really visible making it very clearly you could see my cuts. I looked down to my wrist and onto your eyes. Your eyes made its way to my wrist and onto my face. I saw the look on your face, it was disappointment. I'm sorry, Kade, I hate to disappoint you but everything just gets me.

Fortunately, no one really saw what encountered between us except for you and me. So when dinner was over, your mom asked you to bring me upstairs to your room. You groaned and protested immediately and I supported you by insisting that I could go and play with Emily. Your mom kept on bugging you until you finally give in and told me to meet you upstairs in a really harsh tone.

At first, I didn't want to go but a part of me wanted to go back into the room where once hold a lot of memories. I'm not sure if your room was pitch black like it usually was or if it was that messy and I had to clean it all up for you. I knocked on your door and you told me to come in. Not knowing what to do, I stood there. You noticed me and rolled your eyes and told me to sit down.

Wow, I annoy you already, I see? Suddenly, a song played from your laptop. I have no idea if it was on purpose or if you had switch in on accidentally, I don't really care. It made the situation less awkward. I was staring into the night sky, enjoying the lyrics the song spoke when you whispered a quiet "why?" making it almost difficult for me to catch what you were saying.

I knew what you meant. I know how many thousand whys, whats, ifs, shoulds are going through your mind but I didn't answer you. I don't want to answer when I know you don't really care but it was just out of curiosity. But for a moment, you sounded so sincere like you really wanted to know what happened when you were gone and what made me start cutting at the first place.

After a long silence, I answered,

"I can feel the hurt. There's something good about it. Mostly it makes me stop remembering."

You were going to answer back when I walked out from your door and went into the bathroom. I slapped myself fore being stupid. Why did I told you what happened to me and let you see how much you affected me.

I was going to cry but then I remembered I was in your house-hold. I took a deep breath before going out from the toilet door and went to mom. I whispered in her ears that I want to go home and she nodded.

I was so thankful by the moment we arrived home. I didn't want mom to question me so much, I went straight into my bedroom, locked it and cried.

I took my razor and stared at it for a moment,

"The blade sings to me. Faintly, so soft against my ears, its voice calms my worries and tells me that one touch will take it all away. It tells me that I just need to slide a long horizontal cut, and make a clean slice. It tells me the words that I have been begging to hear: this will make it okay."

One slice of cut eventually lead to hundreds of them. 

Signed,

Esther

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We got #773 in short story!!!! (: I got the last quote from the amazing Amanda Steele, I happened to read it while I was searching quotes about self-harming. Vote, comment and follow me!!