21 Reasons Why

Reason 3

Reason 3: Nothing goes right anymore

March 28th, 2015

Dear Kade,

Your grandma is alright. Thank God. I was shaking and anxiety ate me alive when I heard mom opened the front door. I jumped out from my bed and went straight to her asking how it went like. She told me that your grandma was alright and you looked so tired. I told her, I knew and I went back to my room and destroy myself even more.

That morning, I went to school and saw how happy you looked like. I passed by you and I heard your friend whispering something about me. I decided not to care and turn my back against you. In French, you slipped a note onto my table.

"Care to meet me at 7pm tonight?"

I felt overwhelming feelings. I don't necessarily know how to explain how I felt that exact moment. I smiled towards you and nodded my head. Maybe, this is time for us to fix what was broken. I was tapping my foot unto the ground, unable to wait until 7pm. Once the bell rang, I jumped out of my seat, grabbed everything and went straight to home.

I took extra time to get ready for you because I want tonight to be perfect. I want us to fix some things that were supposed to be fixed a long time ago. And now we had the chance, I'm not wasting it. It was 30 minutes to 6 when I sat down on the sofa and listen to the playlist you made for me. I also made a playlist for you, I wonder if you still listen to it, though.

Mom approached me and asked why I was dressing up. I told her that I was meeting you. She was happy for me and hugged me. It was 7 now and I walked to the park. I sat down on one of the benches and waited for you. You were 15 minutes late but I still waited. I looked up to the sky and tried to draw out the constellation on the sky. It looked like it was going to rain.

It was now an hour after I waited you. I was shivering cold and I didn't want to go back home yet. Not now. Maybe you're caught up in traffic or fell asleep and forgot you had to meet me here. I was now soaked wet because of the rain. I decided to give up and walk back to home. I took a really long way because I believed you that easily. You stood me up. You made me have high hopes.

I barged into the front door and I saw mom waiting at the sofa. She smiled before her smile turned into a frown. She asked me what was wrong. I shook my head and told her it was nothing. She went to me and hugged me, she kissed my forehead and told me to rest in my room. I told her not to bother me and I wanted to be alone. I went to my room and changed my wet clothes into dry ones. I switched on the water to fill in the bathtub, I saw my reflection at the water that was forming in the bathtub. I drowned myself in it.

I want to try countless more other things to hurt myself because I was such a fool. I woke up the next day still in the bath tub but the water has went out. I was wondering why wasn't I dead yet then I saw the blocker was out. I got up from the bathtub and dressed up for school. I just threw a thick sweater and leggings, I don't bother dressing up. I don't do anything to my face and it was so pale.

I saw you at school today. I just walked past you when you tried to grab my hand. I saw the look on your face. Your 'girlfriend' came to me at the toilet today. She told me that everything was planned. You were supposed to lure me in and stand me up.

Haha, you guys are fucking sick.

Signed,

Esther

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unedited because i'm a lazy fucker