21 Reasons Why

Reason 11

Reason 11: In the darkness I will meet my creators and they will all agree that I'm a suffocator.

Listen to Smother by Daughter

29th May, 2015.

Dear Kade,

I am wasted, losing time,

I'm a foolish, fragile spine.

When they say at 3 am is when your thoughts are going wild, I fully believe them. At that time, is where I usually think back of the things I did and listing regrets that I've done. Coming to conclusion of all of that, I am still a foolish person. Even if I've been fooled a lot of time, I am very believing towards someone. I never change. My childhood, it wasn't even that pretty. Dad used to beat me up a lot. Mom also had to go through the abusing in order to protect me. Sometimes, I wonder what I did to deserve this. What did I do to deserve a mom so loving like my mom and what'd I do to deserve a dad that was supposed to be the best dad in the entire world. Dad often tell me that I'm a waste of space and I am a mistake but mom always tell me that I am not a mistake but a wonderful gift to both of them – but I'm starting to believe that I'm a waste a space. Unlike what mom said, she really needs to stop lying.

I want all that is not mine,

I want him but we're not right.

Why do we always wish for something that we know we aren't capable of? Fall in love with someone that we're not right with or we're not that capable to be with? Why do we often hurt ourselves when we know it's not right but go for it anyway. And when everything come tumbling down, we'd question ourselves, why'd we let that happen? We could've stopped it but we went for it although we saw it coming. Why does it still hurt so much when I've seen it coming? I knew that you wouldn't look at me more than just a 'friend' or a 'sister'. I still fell for you, anyway. Now, I'm just trying to work out the pieces of why and why I fell for you. I knew you were toxic – being with you makes me intoxicated. You're like a drug, something like heroin. And I'm the addict, I can't stop wanting you because stopping means that part of me is gone and stopping does a lot of work to do. When we see addicts, we often read on how hard they tried to stop taking drugs and they'd do anything to have the drugs. Just like me, the addict, I'd do anything to have you because I want you. But we're not right. I should've known, I knew. I knew I can't have you but the heart wants what it wants.

In the darkness I will meet my creators,

And they will all agree that I'm a suffocator.

Closed curtains, locked door, lights off, drowning myself in the thoughts. With the demons and the devils. In books, the lovely girl, they often define that her body was made up of atoms, stars and planets and all the beautiful things in the world, because she's beautiful. I'm not. I'm made up of broken pieces of glasses, of the unwanted dusts that people were allergic to. I'm an allergic – I'm not human. Human have feelings, heart, hopes and wishes but I don't. I have death note, death wishes and death hopes. Therefore, when you ask everyone who Esther is, they'd say "She's a suffocator."

I should go now quietly,

For my bones have found a place to lie down and sleep,

Where all my layers can become rims,

All my limbs can become trees,

All my children can become me,

What a mess I leave, to follow.

In the Bible, Esther was a beautiful woman. She was the queen in her era that agreed to risk her life for her people. Everyone looked up to her, every girls wished to be her and every man hoped to have her. Esther was a down to earth woman that was chosen to be the most beautiful woman in that era. She was kind and she was very intelligent. That was why she appeared in the Bible, girls that were named 'Esther' are supposed to be the same as the 'Esther' portrayed in the Bible. She was one of the women that made changes to the world thousands years ago. I was nothing like her. I'm the repellent that sprays out to the insects hoping it to disappear and was used once in a while. I never played an important part in anyone's life. Esther is a beautiful name but I'm not as beautiful as my name was.

Oh Lord, I'm sorry if I smothered you,

Sometimes, I wish I stayed inside my mother,

Never to come out.

When you left me, everything made sense. You wanted to get away of me – you don't want to do anything with me. I understand now. You don't need to explain anymore of the reasons why you left me because I've worked everything out. And as you wish, Kade, I'll stay out of your life and be gone forever. You won't even notice it.

Signed,

Esther 

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Hi guys. Hoped you enjoyed this chapter because I did as well. This song has a really deep meaning and I'm explaining the meaning behind the lyrics Daughter wrote. Make sure to vote, comment and follow me! x