21 Reasons Why

Reason 15

Reason 15: Goodbye letters.

July 4th, 2015.

Dear Kade,

I barged into my room as I arrived home from school. Today, school was exhausting. I've always been self-conscious about myself but not until today. One of your friends came up to me saying how I looked big in the dress I was wearing.

I checked in the mirror before I went to school that I looked alright in the dress and it fits my body perfectly. I was so worried of how I looked like until I didn't focus to anything the teacher said. Each and every time I walked pass by someone, they would look to my dress and I would immediately be self-conscious.

I went in and out from the toilet constantly just to check if I looked alright. In my eyes, I do look alright. Then, the bitch came up to me and told me that I looked like a slut in the dress. I've never intended it to be this way. I wore this dress because I felt good and thought I looked good in this dress, not for them to say I looked big or like a slut.

I snuggled deep into my comforter and cried and cried because I know I shouldn't wear that dress, I looked ugly. I know why you don't want me because I looked ugly. Who would want a girlfriend that looks ugly? Who would want a friend that looked big? Mom went into my room and asked me what was wrong.

I asked her, do I look ugly? She was startled and took a deep breath. She said,

My love, I didn't give birth to you in this world for you to cry over the words some people said about you. You have to know that you are worth than a thousand stars in the sky and I would do anything for you. It doesn't matter if one of a few people is going against you, you have me. And that's the only thing that mattered. After your father left, you are the only thing I told myself to be strong of. Each and every one of us has flaws and it's okay to be self-conscious for once in a while but you have to know, no one would tell you that you're beautiful if you don't do that yourself.

She kissed my forehead and told me to get some rest.

I feel bad for my mom. I don't deserve her or any of the love she's pouring onto me. She should be pouring her love into someone that deserves it or someone that never felt the love of a mother. I've felt the love of the mother but still, regardless of anything, I want to die.

I want to die because I don't care about anything anymore. I mean, why should I care about how I looked like when in some times, I would be gone and no one would be able to see how big or how I looked like a slut?

I want to die because everything just disappoints me. But mostly, I'm deeply disappointed in myself. For letting the darkness in, for creating a hole and for crawling into it. I should've known it was trouble but did I choose for anything for this to happen? No.

If mom ever question you what she did wrong, tell her she did nothing wrong because she did the best she could but my decision is done. I won't be changing my decision although the therapist said everything was going to be okay or if mom kept reminding me that she's here for me.

I was reading a suicide information blog a few days ago. And I watched this one video where in the comments, they said they were crying. I didn't. Instead, I smiled to myself because it wasn't just me who felt this way. And I smiled because the person has grown stronger and not giving up like I am going to.

As I'm writing this, I don't know why I am still writing this to you. I don't know what to do with this letters after I'm done writing it. By the time I finished writing this, is the time I'll be jumping off.

I guess this letters contains of when I was still hopeful until I'm finally letting go and giving up of you.

I guess this letters is my goodbye letter.

Signed,

Esther

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Hi guys. I'm honestly so sad because my reads are really low and no one really votes or comments. I mean, I enjoyed writing and all but I want to know if you could relate to my letters. It's almost coming to an end now and there'll be sequel.

6 more reasons to go and 21 Reasons Why would be reaching to and end.

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