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Clumsy Vampire
Clumsy Vampire
A Screenplay by Anonymous
EXT. MIAMI BEACH - AFTERNOON
Adorable shopkeeper MS FLORA HEMINGWAY is arguing with bold police officer SIR PHIL SLAUGHTERHOUSE. FLORA tries to hug PHIL but he shakes her off.
FLORA
Please Phil, don't leave me.
PHIL
I'm sorry Flora, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.
FLORA
I am such a person!
PHIL frowns.
PHIL
I'm sorry, Flora. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
PHIL leaves.
FLORA sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, intuitive author LORD DANIEL THUNDER barges in looking flustered.
FLORA
Goodness, Daniel! Is everything okay?
DANIEL
I'm afraid not.
FLORA
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
DANIEL
It's ... a vampire ... I saw an evil vampire murder a bunch of babies!
FLORA
Defenseless babies?
DANIEL
Yes, defenseless babies!
FLORA
Bloomin' heck, Daniel! We've got to do something.
DANIEL
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
FLORA
You can start by telling me where this happened.
DANIEL
I was...
DANIEL fans himself and begins to wheeze.
FLORA
Focus Daniel, focus! Where did it happen?
DANIEL
Sydney Opera House! That's right - Sydney Opera House!
FLORA springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
FLORA rushes along the street, followed by DANIEL. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
INT. SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE - SHORTLY AFTER
PHILLIP BARKER a clumsy vampire terrorises two babies.
FLORA, closely followed by DANIEL, rushes towards PHILLIP, but suddenly stops in her tracks.
DANIEL
What is is? What's the matter?
FLORA
That's not just any old vampire, that's Phillip Barker!
DANIEL
Who's Phillip Barker?
FLORA
Who's Phillip Barker? Who's Phillip Barker? Only the most clumsy vampire in the universe!
DANIEL
Blinkin' knickers, Flora! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most clumsy vampire in the universe!
FLORA
You can say that again.
DANIEL
Blinkin' knickers, Flora! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most clumsy vampire in the universe!
FLORA
I'm going to need blades, lots of blades.
Phillip turns and sees Flora and Daniel. He grins an evil grin.
PHILLIP
Flora Hemingway, we meet again.
DANIEL
You've met?
FLORA
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young FLORA is sitting in a park listening to some piano music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.
She looks up and sees PHILLIP. She takes off her headphones.
PHILLIP
Would you like some chocolate?
FLORA's eyes light up, but then he studies PHILLIP more closely, and looks uneasy.
FLORA
I don't know, you look kind of clumsy.
PHILLIP
Me? No. I'm not clumsy. I'm the least clumsy vampire in the world.
FLORA
Wait, you're a vampire?
FLORA runs away, screaming.
INT. SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE - PRESENT DAY
PHILLIP
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
DANIEL
(To FLORA) You ran away?
FLORA
(To DANIEL) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
FLORA turns to PHILLIP.
FLORA
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
FLORA runs away.
She turns back and shouts.
FLORA
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with blades.
PHILLIP
I'm not scared of you.
FLORA
You should be.
EXT. TRAFALGAR SQUARE - LATER THAT DAY
FLORA and DANIEL walk around searching for something.
FLORA
I feel sure I left my blades somewhere around here.
DANIEL
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly blades.
FLORA
You know nothing Daniel Thunder.
DANIEL
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, PHILLIP appears, holding a pair of blades.
PHILLIP
Looking for something?
DANIEL
Crikey, Flora, he's got your blades.
FLORA
Tell me something I don't already know!
DANIEL
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
FLORA
I know that already!
DANIEL
I bite my toenails.
PHILLIP
(appalled) Dude!
While PHILLIP is looking at DANIEL with disgust, FLORA lunges forward and grabs her deadly blades. He wields them, triumphantly.
FLORA
Prepare to die, you clumsy cabbage!
PHILLIP
No please! All I did was murder a bunch of babies!
PHIL enters, unseen by any of the others.
FLORA
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those babies were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Flora Hemingway defender of innocent babies.
PHILLIP
Don't hurt me! Please!
FLORA
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these blades on you right away!
PHILLIP
Because Flora, I am your father.
FLORA looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.
FLORA
No you're not!
PHILLIP
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
PHILLIP tries to grab the blades but FLORA dodges out of the way.
FLORA
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, PHILLIP slumps to the ground.
DANIEL
Did he just faint?
FLORA
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly blades.
FLORA crouches over PHILLIP's body.
DANIEL
Be careful, Flora. It could be a trick.
FLORA
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Phillip Barker is dead!
FLORA
What?
FLORA
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
DANIEL claps his hands.
DANIEL
So your blades did save the day, after all.
PHIL steps forward.
PHIL
Is it true? Did you kill the clumsy vampire?
FLORA
Phil how long have you been...?
PHIL puts his arm around FLORA.
PHIL
Long enough.
FLORA
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Phillip Barker.
PHIL
Then the babies are safe?
FLORA
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable babies enter, looking relived.
PHIL
You are their hero.
The babies bow to FLORA.
FLORA
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Phillip Barker will never murder babies ever again, is enough for me.
PHIL
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the babies passes FLORA a shiny talisman
PHIL
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
FLORA
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
FLORA
Well, if you insist.
FLORA takes the talisman.
FLORA
Thank you.
The babies bow their heads once more, and leave.
FLORA turns to PHIL.
FLORA
Does this mean you want me back?
PHIL
Oh, Flora, of course I want you back!
FLORA smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
FLORA
Well you can't have me.
PHIL
WHAT?
FLORA
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a vampire to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
PHIL
But...
FLORA
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Daniel.
DANIEL grins.
PHIL
But...
DANIEL
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
PHIL
Flora?
FLORA
I'm sorry Phil, but I think you should skidaddle.
PHIL leaves.
DANIEL turns to FLORA.
DANIEL
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
FLORA
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly DANIEL stops.
DANIEL
When I said I bite my toenails, you know I was just trying to distract the vampire don't you?
THE END
