Clumsy Zombie
A Screenplay by Baby boo
INT. HAMSTEAD HEATH - AFTERNOON
Intelligent computer programmer MRS ANNIE PLUMB is arguing with cute doctor DCI BOB WILLIS. ANNIE tries to hug BOB but he shakes her off.
ANNIE
Please Bob, don't leave me.
BOB
I'm sorry Annie, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.
ANNIE
I am such a person!
BOB frowns.
BOB
I'm sorry, Annie. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
BOB leaves.
ANNIE sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, funny cleaner MS GEORGINA SWEET barges in looking flustered.
ANNIE
Goodness, Georgina! Is everything okay?
GEORGINA
I'm afraid not.
ANNIE
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
GEORGINA
It's ... a zombie ... I saw an evil zombie gobble a bunch of kittens!
ANNIE
Defenseless kittens?
GEORGINA
Yes, defenseless kittens!
ANNIE
Bloomin' heck, Georgina! We've got to do something.
GEORGINA
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
ANNIE
You can start by telling me where this happened.
GEORGINA
I was...
GEORGINA fans herself and begins to wheeze.
ANNIE
Focus Georgina, focus! Where did it happen?
GEORGINA
Miami Beach! That's right - Miami Beach!
ANNIE springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
ANNIE rushes along the street, followed by GEORGINA. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
EXT. MIAMI BEACH - SHORTLY AFTER
CAMERON WILLIS a clumsy zombie terrorises two kittens.
ANNIE, closely followed by GEORGINA, rushes towards CAMERON, but suddenly stops in her tracks.
GEORGINA
What is is? What's the matter?
ANNIE
That's not just any old zombie, that's Cameron Willis!
GEORGINA
Who's Cameron Willis?
ANNIE
Who's Cameron Willis? Who's Cameron Willis? Only the most clumsy zombie in the universe!
GEORGINA
Blinkin' knickers, Annie! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most clumsy zombie in the universe!
ANNIE
You can say that again.
GEORGINA
Blinkin' knickers, Annie! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most clumsy zombie in the universe!
ANNIE
I'm going to need swords, lots of swords.
Cameron turns and sees Annie and Georgina. He grins an evil grin.
CAMERON
Annie Plumb, we meet again.
GEORGINA
You've met?
ANNIE
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young ANNIE is sitting in a park listening to some reggae music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.
She looks up and sees CAMERON. She takes off her headphones.
CAMERON
Would you like some barley sugar?
ANNIE's eyes light up, but then he studies CAMERON more closely, and looks uneasy.
ANNIE
I don't know, you look kind of clumsy.
CAMERON
Me? No. I'm not clumsy. I'm the least clumsy zombie in the world.
ANNIE
Wait, you're a zombie?
ANNIE runs away, screaming.
EXT. MIAMI BEACH - PRESENT DAY
CAMERON
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
GEORGINA
(To ANNIE) You ran away?
ANNIE
(To GEORGINA) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
ANNIE turns to CAMERON.
ANNIE
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
ANNIE runs away.
She turns back and shouts.
ANNIE
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with swords.
CAMERON
I'm not scared of you.
ANNIE
You should be.
EXT. A SUPERMARKET - LATER THAT DAY
ANNIE and GEORGINA walk around searching for something.
ANNIE
I feel sure I left my swords somewhere around here.
GEORGINA
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly swords.
ANNIE
You know nothing Georgina Sweet.
GEORGINA
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, CAMERON appears, holding a pair of swords.
CAMERON
Looking for something?
GEORGINA
Crikey, Annie, he's got your swords.
ANNIE
Tell me something I don't already know!
GEORGINA
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
ANNIE
I know that already!
GEORGINA
I'm afraid of sausages.
CAMERON
(appalled) Dude!
While CAMERON is looking at GEORGINA with disgust, ANNIE lunges forward and grabs her deadly swords. He wields them, triumphantly.
ANNIE
Prepare to die, you clumsy carrot!
CAMERON
No please! All I did was gobble a bunch of kittens!
BOB enters, unseen by any of the others.
ANNIE
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those kittens were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Annie Plumb defender of innocent kittens.
CAMERON
Don't hurt me! Please!
ANNIE
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these swords on you right away!
CAMERON
Because Annie, I am your father.
ANNIE looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.
ANNIE
No you're not!
CAMERON
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
CAMERON tries to grab the swords but ANNIE dodges out of the way.
ANNIE
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, CAMERON slumps to the ground.
GEORGINA
Did he just faint?
ANNIE
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly swords.
ANNIE crouches over CAMERON's body.
GEORGINA
Be careful, Annie. It could be a trick.
ANNIE
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Cameron Willis is dead!
ANNIE
What?
ANNIE
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
GEORGINA claps her hands.
GEORGINA
So your swords did save the day, after all.
BOB steps forward.
BOB
Is it true? Did you kill the clumsy zombie?
ANNIE
Bob how long have you been...?
BOB puts his arm around ANNIE.
BOB
Long enough.
ANNIE
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Cameron Willis.
BOB
Then the kittens are safe?
ANNIE
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable kittens enter, looking relived.
BOB
You are their hero.
The kittens bow to ANNIE.
ANNIE
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Cameron Willis will never gobble kittens ever again, is enough for me.
BOB
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the kittens passes ANNIE a wooden talisman
BOB
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
ANNIE
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
ANNIE
Well, if you insist.
ANNIE takes the talisman.
ANNIE
Thank you.
The kittens bow their heads once more, and leave.
ANNIE turns to BOB.
ANNIE
Does this mean you want me back?
BOB
Oh, Annie, of course I want you back!
ANNIE smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
ANNIE
Well you can't have me.
BOB
WHAT?
ANNIE
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a zombie to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
BOB
But...
ANNIE
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Georgina.
GEORGINA grins.
BOB
But...
GEORGINA
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
BOB
Annie?
ANNIE
I'm sorry Bob, but I think you should skidaddle.
BOB leaves.
GEORGINA turns to ANNIE.
GEORGINA
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
ANNIE
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly GEORGINA stops.
GEORGINA
When I said I'm afraid of sausages, you know I was just trying to distract the zombie don't you?
THE END
