Letters to you

3am thoughts

There is nothing like knowing your the cause of your own pain. When there's no one to blame, it's hard to forfeit the blaming game. Its hard saying fuck it to feelings you've built over a year now. Its hard sleeping, you haunt my dreams unintentionally. You make rivers of tears stream down my face even after I watched myself break and promised myself I'd never cry over another guy. Let me tell you how hard it is for me to wait for you to make up your mind while I sit and make up mine. There's nothing like time, it'll be a crime for time to wait for anyone. There's nothing like watching the guy you have love for, love someone else. And I can't help but just except the fact that its good for his mental health. But what about my well being? I'm drowning and no one can tell. I'm trying to learn the difference between falling on the floor in defeat when I know damn well I only fell back in retreat. But I have given up, I have thrown my white flags to the heavens above. I have cried tears of blood yet no one sees nothing. I have lost sleep, I barely eat, and meanwhile I smile like I can't be beaten. But I've lived the definition of shattered. Hope is what makes nothing in this world matter. God forgive me if I forget about you during my raging battles of heartless wars and countless truths. One day I hope you see that in the end it was you. And that I tried so hard not to break due to the things you do. I tried not to mistake my happiness for an addiction too. Though I knew what was true. I tried to make you happy, maybe in the wrong way but that's okay. A play on words with nothing much to say. I can't say I never told you how I felt. It was never dealt with. I wanna blame you for feelings you never held but I end up blaming myself. In away I guess that's kind of selfish for not pushing the blame on you a just little bit. Its logical and it makes sense but maybe my mind is tearing me down, in hopes that I don't win. Maybe blaming myself makes me feel alive instead of being deprived of what makes me high. I know in the beginning I spoke of surrendering, but this will take time, and time waits for no one. I guess I'd be foolish to wait for you in the long run. Waiting for you would be no fun. But I have nothing left to do. So I'll fill my mind with wasted time and lies instead of filling my mind with thoughts of you. ~Olivia