A MOTHER'S JOURNEY

TAKING AWAY OWNERSHIP RIGHTS

Children are always being given things. Toys, money, recreational activities, pets, affection. They recognise early on the concept of ownership, and form special bonds with both animate and inanimate objects. They cherish a beloved scruffy teddy bear, love to read a favourite book over and over, delight in shaking their coin-filled piggy bank, and experience immense pleasure from hugging their pet or running into a mother's embrace.

A 'good' mother instils in and expects the child to accept that this ownership is conditional. That anything given, can be taken away, or denied, if rules are broken. Ownership is thus directly linked to obedience. If the child is behaving acceptably, then ownership privileges are applied. These privileges can be, and are taken away if a child's behaviour is deemed unacceptable.

Whether newborn or 17, a child has the inalienable right to ownership. My son's possessions are just that. THEIR possessions. I have no legal right to take them, much as any random person cannot walk into my house and take away any of my possessions. This is theft. This is a crime. If they have outright ownership of any item, then it is theirs to do with as they please, not mine to use as a form of intimidation. Since I have never punished my children, they do not recognise the concept of conditional ownership, dependent on behaviour. Since I have instilled in them the right to ownership, they respect the possessions of others, and have never stolen, misused or disregarded others' possessions.

I see and hear it a lot. "I took her phone away." "I removed the game console for a month." "I banned him from his computer for a week." "I took his favourite toy away."

I question here: As a parent, have you ever had a day when you just couldn't be bothered? When you left something needing doing that day to the next day or the one after? Is there a particular thing you know you have to do but you keep procrastinating? Have you broken something valuable? Have you damaged something? Have you thrown away something once given you, because it no longer is of value to you? How would you feel then if a stranger walked in and simply took YOUR phone away, or your car keys, saying they'd return them once that something was completed or once you'd learned to appreciate the value of 'things'?

You would be outraged right? How dare that person take your personal stuff from you? Well that's how your children feel every time you are that stranger, taking away their belongings. And you are a stranger to them those occasions, for someone loving would never do that. Just as someone who loves you - be they partner, other family members, even your children - would not deliberately take your valued things away.

This is a quick-reflex band aid reaction, to a far greater problem. You are powerless confronting something, so you resort to the one thing that will inflict the most immediate pain response. You want to hurt your children in that moment, in a way that you believe will be a valued lesson learned.

I question: What does removing a phone for a week or taking car keys or a beloved toy actually do? What lesson does it teach and what desired outcome does it produce? As a parent, you feel self-righteous. You hold the power and through this power, you enforce your will. Does the child understand? They may feel resentment, they may feel false remorse, they may feel any amount of injustice. You have removed a possession, a valued possession. They will bide their time until they get it back. It's like a game. But how is this helping to prepare them for adulthood? You are instilling fear. You are also telling them that it's perfectly okay to take others' possessions if they in turn feel justified or righteous in doing so.

What was the issue leading up to this theft? Have you addressed the issue or simply used a convenient way out, ducking the actual problem and instead introducing an unrelated consequence as punishment?

Think of everything as a life lesson for children. Everything is a first, like their first smile, their first step, their first word. They learn by doing and by imitating what others do. You as parents are their first 'others'. They imitate you. They absorb everything you say and do. Their minds are sponges and they gather everything in their immediate environment. As their world grows, they observe and imitate others and then apply in turn what they have earlier learned.