Stars

Suicide Note

Dear Everybody,

I know you wasn't expecting this, but maybe if you paid more attention you would have realized. I know this might be sudden but the changes were there the whole time, my grades were dropping mom, I stopped eating with you dad, I never hanged out with you anymore best friend, my eyes lost there sparkle and nobody noticed, I cried while I sank to my knees in front of the scale we keep in the bathroom.
Nobody noticed the little changes from where I lost a couple pounds here and there, nobody noticed when I started wearing long sleeves again, nobody noticed when I spent hours in the bathroom, nobody heard me when I cried in the bathroom over those pretty girls who always seem to be perfect.

To my mom, well I don't know, you were never really there for me so to you this shouldn't be a big deal, I mean you left me for a man, you left me and your two other daughters for sex and drugs. You were never around and when you were you were to drunk off your ass to worry about me. No, you never worried about me, instead your the main reason my self esteem is so low. All those nights you called me worthless, a mistake, that you never wanted me, that you would rather die then stay in the same room with me, that it was my fault that the family was splitting up. That I was a whore, even though I never even had my first kiss, that I was fat, even though I stopped eating to impress you, that I was ugly, even when I tried to cover up my teenage body with stuff I though would make me more pretty. Nothing was enough for you, and your the one person I thought would always be there for me but you wasn't. You were suppose to be MY MOM! but you wasn't. It's that simple, mom, you just tore me down, you should have seen this coming.

To my dad, well it's the same for you even though you left me for drugs. There's not much to say to you other than you made my life more miserable, you left me dad, and you said you never would. You were suppose to be my protector, but you left me in the dark. The drugs were to addicting I guess they were more important than your family. But I didn't need you in my life anyways, I lost mom already then I lost you, this shouldn't be a surprise either.

To my best friend, your not my friend, your my sister and I'm sorry I have to put you through this. I know this is going to be hard for you but please realize that I'll be happy now. When you miss me just look back at all those times we spent laughing together until we cried, when we rode the four-wheeler with your dad, and did donuts in the driveway. When we jumped off your house so everyone would think we were badass, when we went swimming and walked on water because a snake slithered beside us, just remember that I'll always be with you, and that you did help my life. You made me happy, and you did everything you could, but I couldn't take it anymore.

To.....my boyfriend,
I don't know what to say. Your probably crying, wishing I never did this, and I know you hate me because I promised I would always talk to you if I was thinking bad things again but you always seemed so busy I didn't want to bother you. You were my one and only and I hope you find someone better than me, I was just weighing you down anyways, but I did truly love you. You were there for me when I fell and helped me up, your my best friend, my lover, my everything. But I had to leave. I know I broke my promise and I'm sorry, I hope you can forgive me, I hope you can still be happy without me. I know one day you will move on but until we do remember I will never forget how we met. How I saw your ocean blue eyes in my seat on the bus, how you threw a rock at me and you felt bad because it left a bruise. You hugged me that day and I wished you would hurt me more because I wanted you to hold me forever. I didn't know our friendship would lead to us almost getting married, you helped me out of the darkness, helped me over become my fears, you helped me speak up against people who hurt me, you helped me out of am abusive relationship, you helped me see the light. And I want to know I love you, I love you more than anything, almlst more than myself, but I remember what you said about that. You said I should always love myself first because at the end of the day you only have yourself. I love you, I love your mom, I love your dad, I love your sister, you were like a family to me. A true family who was always there for me.

To my bullies, well I guess you got what you wanted. I hope your happy. And I won't name names but you knkw who you are, you pushed me to my limit with your snide remarks about how I wasn't good enough for anything. About how I was a nobody who shouldn't even be living, how I should go ahead and kill myself. How you beat me after school because I wouldn't do your homework, now that I think about it I think all of you were jealous. I was pretty, I had curves, I had good grades, and a good head on my shoulders but I'm still giving you what you guys want. I guess majority rules.

To everyone else,
Well I'm gone now, I hope you don't dwell to much over me when I pass trust me I'm not worth it. Live your life, and be happy, and tell my sisters I love them and that I'm sorry. I hope they make it big in life, and tell them I'm sorry for splitting up the family, I'm sorry for not being good enough, I'm sorry I wasn't perfect, and I'm sorry I'm leaving you.

I wrote this the first time I was going to commit suicide, but I was given a second chance. You can be given one to.