The Death Of A Hesitant Alien

The Way of A Funeral

The room is crowded.
I see familiar faces all around me, but all in a blur. They just stare at me.
I get awkward looks of 'why are you here?' 'it's about time you finally showed up.' and the all too familiar 'I know you. Frank.'
I fix my tie a little, a large hand touches by shoulder.
"Thanks for coming."
"You've sure changed. It's good seeing you again," I say looking up at him with soft eyes.
Mikey smiles at me sadly, and in a soft voice says, "you haven't changed a bit."
He puts his arm around my shoulders and we walk further into the small building. His music plays in the background. His wife, beautiful as ever, stands with his Bandit. Damn, she's gotten big. She's a young lady now.
Mikey gestures to them, and they great me. "We've been waiting for you, Frank" says Lindsey resting her hand on my shoulder.
Bandit takes me by the hand, and that's when I feel the tears start to come.
"Where's Ray?" I ask Mikey.
"He..." Mikey bites his lip, "h-he couldn't make it..."
"Oh.."
Lindsey lets out a shaky sigh, "ok, well, I think it's time to go in."
Bandit squeezes my hand, I glance over at her. She's as tall as me, her face is tear stained.
Lindsey pushes open the wooden doors, and there in an open casket, is him.
Just as we begin to walk in, I hear a deep g note play on a piano.
Our music is playing.
His voice begins singing, Mikey clenches my other hand and holds back tears.
"I know," I whisper, "I know."
We walk closer to the casket, then, I give up. Tears pour down my face, but I don't make a sound. My breathing is shaky and unsettle.
Black hair. Black suit. Pale skin. You can almost see the traces of eyeliner under his cold dead eyelids.
Everyone else begins trailing in behind us, and soon, the room smells of nothing but fresh carpet and salty tears.
There's food.
No one eats.
The service lasts an hour or two before we gives peaches. Mikey gives a gives a really beautiful speech about his life with him. His depression, his addictions, his eating disorders; but no matter what, he was always there for him. Then Lindsey gave a speech. Then Bandit. Then some of his aunts and uncles.
I feel a tap on on my shoulder, "Frank."
It's Mikey.
I quickly wipe away my tears, "hm?"
He crouches down beside me in my chair, "Ray was actually supposed to give a really long speech to close his funeral. But, since Ray isn't here..."
"Mikey, I couldn't do that."
"Look, I know you don't have a speech or anything, but you knew him better than any of us," Mikey clasps his hands together, "please Frankie please, you know it's what he would want."
His words echo in my head.
You know it's what he would want.
Is it?
I look down at my hands. They're clasping a handful of tissues. Then I look back up at Mikey, but no words come out of my mouth.
"Please."
I nod slowly, "ok."
Mikey smiles and wipes tears out of his eyes, hugging me and rushing back to his seat.
More speeches are given. But I can't hear anything. I'm now responsible for an hour long speech to end his fucking funeral. Sure I knew him better than anyone... 10 fucking years ago.
He probably wouldn't want to see my face here.
He would do that thing that he only did to me, where he would stand in front of me with his head down and point towards the door. Then I would leave, looking back one of twice. But he would just stay like that until I shut the door. He wouldn't even look at me.
He only did that to me.
Only me.
The last speech is made, Mikey gestures me to come up on the small platform. As I stand up, I can feel eyes. All over me. I can hear whispers about me. I can hear, "who is that?" or even better, "why is he going up?"
Lindsey just watches me. Her eyes twinkling with tears as she hugs her daughter close.
Ok Frank. You're in front of all these people who came here for him.
They're here for Gerard.
I take a deep breath, "he was special."
Wow, nice fucking beginning, dumbass. What do you say now??
"Gerard wasn't like most people. Even in his darkest times, he never hesitated to check on people who were important to him. He never hesitated to say "are you ok?" or "need a hug?" be chase that's just the kind of person he was."
Ok... they're nodding. This is good.
"Sure, we had a history together."
... fuck.
The tears begin pouring down my face again. I take a deep breath.
"Gerard expresses himself trough music. Whether it was a real thing that happened, or just his thoughts. And never will there come a day where I don't regret our last goodbye."
Mikey begins to cry.
"I knew Gerard. But not in the way everyone else knew him. Gerard would let me into his head. He would share things with me that he didn't share with anyone else. We were more than best friends. We were brothers."
Ok so far i've spoken for.. 20 fucking minutes?? Fuck! What am I supposed to talk about for the next 40 minutes of these people's lives?!?
I glance over at Mikey. He smiles at me and whispers, "keep going!"
I take another deep breath and look down at my feet, "of course... that was a long time ago."
They all lower their heads, too. I'm not fully sure why, but it feels right.
I feel a tear dribble down my cheek, "I would do anything to go back and just say one more hello. One more hug, one more high five, one more song, one more anything. I just wish I could've done it one more... time..."
I wipe my eyes with the tissues, taking a moment before I speak again.
"He married a beautiful women, raised a beautiful daughter, and lived a beautiful life."
I feel like that should be a conclusion, so I look over at Mikey again.
He's whispering something to me.
But it can't be what I think he's saying.
"My Chemical Romance."
He's whispering it over and over. I just kinda shake my head in fear, "no.."
"Yes Frank! Please!" he mumbles.
I sigh again.
"I wanna talk about another aspect of Gerard's life. His music."
I can feel many eyes widen slightly as if saying "get off the stage" but I keep going.
"Like I said, Gerard expressed himself through music. And I was blessed with the opportunity to do that with him. Gerard's music had a lot to do with feeling. He put a lot of heart into each song he made... especially while we were in My Chemical Romance together."
I feel Lindsey's eyes burning into me, but I can't tell if it's because she's angry, scared, excited, or something else.
"You know, while we were on the tour bus or whatever, Gerard would always pull me aside practically jumping up and down, talking ecstatically about this new song he made up or a new idea he had. And one day... he stopped. I remember him telling me that he was ready to end the band..."
I feel the tears start to come again.
"He told me that he felt like if it went on, he felt like he might let down a lot of people. I will never forget him saying, "in my mind, it's growing dark." the look on his face when he said it... he looked... disappointed in himself, and he want even fully sure why. He said, "we taught these people that it's ok to be angry, it's ok to be scared, it's ok to be hurting, and it's ok to grow up."
there is silence.
"But, now, he's taught us something new. It's ok to move on. Not only that, it is absolutely ok to miss what you had."
I take a minute, allowing tears to dribble down my cheeks, as I carefully look up, and in a shaky voice, say, "thank you."
Everyone claps.
I mean everyone.
Mikey runs up and hugs me, crying and squeezing my arms.
People pay their respects to him as they leave.
Once nearly everyone is gone, I just stand there and look at him. I haven't gotten a good look at him in a long time.
Lindsey hugs me and thanks me for the beautiful speech, "need a ride home?"
"No thank you miss, but I appreciate it" I say smiling and squeezing her hand. She leaves with Bandit.
Mikey comes up and puts his arm around my shoulder, "you did good, shorty."
I smile and hug him, "it was so good seeing you again. Even if it was f-for... this..."
"Sure you don't want me to drive you home?" He asks.
"I'm ok" I say looking back at Gerard, "thank you, Mikey."
Mikey tears up again and pays my shoulder. Then, he walks out without another word.
I'm alone.
I keep starting at Gerard.
His skin looks soft and pale, his eyes lifeless. I reach out a shaky hand and stroke his cheek. It's warm. Not cold and lifeless like you'd expect.
"It hard to believe you're really gone."
I take him by his hand and look at him, tears dribbling down my cheeks.
I smile at him.
"I'm sorry we never kept in contact. I didn't mean to abandon you.
I never meant to hurt you."
I stare at him a little longer.

Then, I drop my face into my hands and begin sobbing.
"You know, Gee," I say in a choked voice through my tears, "never has their been a day where I haven't thought about you."
I cry a little more and squeeze his hand, "and I can't help but wonder what we could've made together.
I love you."