Ashes to Ashes

· Before

BEFORE.

Isn't that a nice word? Like, remember before, when...? Remember when all those nice times we had before that happened?

I think it takes you back to the experience of something nice. It makes you forget whatever crap situation you're currently stuck in, makes you stop for a moment and think; Wow. Remember before, I was actually really happy with my life.

Well, before, when I was happy and young and nice, if someone said I would grow up to be the biggest cold-hearted bitch in London, hell, the whole world, I would have laughed. Felt sad for a bit. Then done something more worthwhile – like watch the grass grow. Or said hello to the grumpy old lady who lived next door. Or poked my head underneath my bed, stared around at the clutter that amounted there like an antique shop, emerged again, coughing on a mouthful of dust and thought, maybe some other time.

My name was Cola. Is in, Coca- Cola.

My mum had a sweet tooth for it. Guess she must have liked me more than the drink. Or at least I hoped she did.

Sometimes, I wondered if my mum had been drunk when she'd named me. Other times I hoped she had been.

Back when I thought my name was a big letdown, I searched it once or twice. This proved only to be a bigger letdown. No definitions came up, no hidden meanings. Like you know how sometimes odd names mean "uniquely brilliant" or something in some unused language like Latin. But the only thing that came up for 'Cola' was;

'No results.'

Then some suggestions for other names I could try instead, like Nicola.

My sister had a perfectly ordinary, common name. Caitlyn. Pity she didn't turn out to be a perfectly ordinary person.

Sometimes, I wonder what the old Cola would have thought of the Cola I am now. Back then Cola was nice. People liked her. Even the grumpy old lady next door.

She wouldn't even hurt an ant crawling back and forward on her Quadratic Formula notes even though it was REALLY distracting.

I wonder if she would have recognised the new Cola. The Cola who thinks ants are below her. The Cola who gets hurt so often because she is way too trusting. The Cola who kills to save herself.

I wonder if she would have been disappointed. I also wonder what she would have thought of what Caitlyn had become. I know she would have disappointed in her. I was disappointed in her now. Although, maybe I was to blame a little bit.

Some people wish to have a different life – out of the ordinary, full of exciting, eventful days. But let me tell you that you've got it all wrong. I would give anything, no everything to have an ordinary life. A life where nothing interesting happened. I went to school. Maybe got married. (or not.) I'd bring friends over to my house at the holidays. I'd graduate. Get a job. I wouldn't know how to hold a gun, hell, I wouldn't have even SEEN one. I wouldn't look over my shoulder in fear wherever I went. The list of boyfriends I had would be bigger than the list of all the people I'd killed, not the other way around.

Now, when I think of the choice I had then, I think it was one of those things in life where you kind of just say, right I'm either going to do this or I'm not. It's an either/or situation. You can or you can't. So you take the risk or suffer the consequences.

You jump into the unknown. Like when you're about to get into bed but you have to turn your light off first. So you stand by your door for a second, before flipping the switch then it all goes pitch black and you cant' see and you just taking a flying leap into the dark space in the general direction of your bed and hope to god you land on it.

So I took the risk.

I jumped.

And missed the bed.

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