The room was silent except for my ragged, emotional breathing.
The thing that finally broke the silence was the doctor saying;
"You should not have to tear yourself apart to make others whole."
Then it went back to the silence except now there was the sound of lonely tears hitting the white floor beneath me.
*~*
The doctor comes in everyday.
The days vary from him talking to me listening and me talking and him listening, or us just sitting in silence.
Today I was doing the talking.
"Whats wrong," the doctor asked.
Everytime I talked he asked the same question and everytime I replied with 'what isn't' but this time I didn't. This time I said:
"I'm tired of being alone."
The doctor looked at me with sympathetic but understanding eyes.
"I understand," he said.
Those two words made me mad and angry words started spilling out of my mouth.
"I hate when people say that," I growled, "Because the chances are that they don't. You don't truly understand until your inside my mind begging to be let out."
"Trust me, I know how it feels. I know exactly how it feels when you cry in the shower so no one can hear. I know exactly how it feels to wait for everyone to be asleep so you can fall apart. I know exactly how it feels to hurt so much that you just want to end it all. I know.
I stared at him, trying to grasp what he just said.
"I've got to go," he abruptly stood up and walked out the room.
*~*
The nights I spent here were sleepless and confusing.
I always looked at the walls just thinking. I could never get any sleep and I didn't now why.
I was always exhausted but I couldn't find myself closing my eyes.
*~*
The doctors visits have been becoming shorter and I don't even know if the things he said helped me or if they made me more depressed.
Yesterday when he came in I looked into his blue eyes and I saw something.
I saw pain.
Something that nobody else around me was supposed to feel.
"You're hurting too," I said, still looking in his eyes.
"We all hurt," he replied," and that's okay."
I shook my head, " It's not okay. No one is supposed to hurt. And if I'm in this fucked up place it's clear to see that people don't think it's okay to not be okay. Everybody has to be okay or you get thrown in here."
"Thats true," he said. " but those people haven't felt what we felt."
We.
*~*
I tried desperately to get some sleep, but the voices were all talking over each other in a noisy mess.
You think people are like you. Nobody's like you. Nobody likes you
Ugly
Worthless
Stupid
Mistake
Why didn't you die.
You should've died.
"I know."
I needed to cause myself pain. I needed to find something to make me hurt.
So I looked.
I looked in the small bathroom, under the bed, on the walls.
I searched every inch of this place until I came across it.
A small lose screw, that was badly screwed into the bed.
I frantically pulled and twisted until it came out.
The point was sharp enough.
I walked over to the bathroom shutting the door behind me.
Slowly getting undressed, exited for the pain that was about to come.
I turned the shower water on to a warm, relaxing tempeture, and stepped in.
I sunk to the bottom and sat down on the bottom of the shower.
The scars on my arm looked deadly and dangerous, and I knew more were about to appear. But not on my wrist.
I looked down at my thighs ready to feel the moment of bliss I wold have once the screw cut it.
I slid the screw down to my thigh and started cutting. I had to do it stronger but it still worked. Instantly the voices stopped and the moment of bliss ran over my body.
I drew in a sharp breath when the pain finally got to me, but the bliss was still there and it covered my body in a way that made me feel normal.
The blood ran down my thighs, turning a pink color due to the water.
The screw continued making and reopening cuts making me feel a moment of ectasy.
This is what I should always feel.
And I wish I did.
But I know when I step out of the shower and the pain stops, the darkness that I feel will come running back up to me with open arms.
And not only will the darkness come back but so will the voices.
The hateful voices that never leave my side.
A slight knock on the door knocked me out of my dark thoughts.
I was expecting the doctor, but was met with a female voice.
"Cheyenne, you need to come out here," the voice said," we.....have something to tell you."
"O-okay, I'll be right out."
I turned the water of and stood up, ignoring the stinging pain on my thighs.
I wrapped a fluffy towel around my exposed body, beginning to dry off.
The screw was still in my hand, and I knew I had to hide it somewhere.
I looked around the bathroom until I found a small vent on one of the cream colored walls.
It looked like it could open so I bent down and gave it a tug.
Sure enough it popped open and I sat the screw inside and put the covering back over it.
I quickly threw on the clothes I was wearing, making the mistake of not bringing any in here with me, and opened the door.
I was met with the worried green eyes of a nurse.
She ran a hand through her black long hair before saying:
"You might need to sit down."
I sat down on the plastic covered mattress, looking at the nurse expectantly.
"Okay," she started," I know how close you were to Dr. Cooper an-"
"Who?" I asked, cutting off her sentence.
"The doctor that you talked to, Dr. Cooper."
A 'oh' escaped my lips.
"Anways," she said getting back to her worried tone, "something happened to him."
"What?"
"Dr. Cooper is dead."
