I'm not fine at all

Why?

It's been a week since I said I would go on a diet. I keep putting it off for another day I'm getting sick of it. I'm going to put my foot down now. I'm starting today. It's just I don't know a thing about diets.

I grabbed my mac, I opened it and opened a new google window.

How to lose weight fast

Many links came up

All of it was the same things like how to lose a pound in a month and How to change your diet. But that wasn't good enough. I wanted to lose weight fast.

I kept scrolling until one caught my eye

ana pro tips: How to lose half your weight in a month

I clicked on it.

1. Drink plenty of cold water

2.Write a food journal

3. Set rules for yourself

4.Have a goal

5. Always know how many calories are in what your eating

6. Exercise for as much as possible

7. Don't tell anyone they will only try to stop you

8. Only eat when you have no other option

9. Weigh yourself everyday and keep track of how much your losing.

10. Listen to ana she is your best friend.

Ana? Who the hell is Ana?

But seriously.. maybe this will work.. no no this is very dangerous 

Don't be stupid you'll always be fat

That might be true but this is serious if i do I might end up dead!

So? it's not like anyone will care.. besides it's better to die skinny then to be fat

Well maybe I could just do it until i lose a bit of weight.. No harm right?

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"Lukeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee come downstairsss" one of the boys called

"coming" I replied 

When I got downstairs all the boys were sat around the table 

"woah someone actually made dinner? wow"

"Ashton did now sit down so we can start" calum said

I just stood there

"Um luke?"

"oh yeah yeah right sorry" I sat down with my empty plate

"Luke aren't you going to eat.." Ashton asked 

I looked at the food it did look really good

I swear to god luke if you eat you will be punished 

"um no"

"luke? what do you mean no?" Ashton asked looking worried 

"i'm sorry i'm just trying to be more healthy"

"oh.. well um you can just have some salad in the fridge if you want" michael said 

"yeah i think i will" I said smiling 

Salad is healthy.

Luke don't

Look i don't know who you are, i'm going to eat because i'm hungry

You'll pay later

I grabbed the salad and sat down and ate it.. The rest of the guys talked like normal but I sat there feeling guilty with every bite.

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After dinner I went upstairs and stood in front of my bathroom mirror staring at my big stomach, flabby arms and huge thighs. I have never been happy with my body but i never thought i was this.. fat. Its because of the salad. Ok for now on you can't eat anything. 

You still need to pay

How?

look around

What? Um I see a shower, a toilet, my toothbrush, my hair gel, a pile of clothes, my razor, spare toile- hang on.. A razor. 

Before I could think I grabbed the razor and placed it against my wrist and before i knew it i had 8 long cuts. 

I can't believe that. i promised myself I would never.. ever self harm. watching Ashton go through that was one of the hardest things i ever had to do! And here i am on my bathroom floor, blood everything , razor in my hand

What did I do to deserve this?

What did i ever do?