Lust or Love?

Chapter 12

He sat on the couch and I stood searching for a tv channel to put on. "So how are you doing, Evelyn? I actually figured you'd be busy on a Sunday with work or your boyfriend," he chuckled. "What's his name? Ben?"

My head dropped to look at the floor as he spoke. "Beau--" I softly corrected him. "and we're not together anymore," I mumbled.

I heard his posture shift against the leather couch. "Wait, what?" He was obviously more interested at the fact that I was single again.

"We broke up." I kept my back to him and my stare on the floor, my grasp on the remote intensifying as the memories of Beau came back to me. Everything I had been trying so hard to forget--all coming back, hitting me like a tidal wave. I let a single tear fall down my cheek.

"Oh," he said casually, in an attempt to hide the joy in his voice. "That sounds rough Evelyn. I can understand if you're still upset about it," he tried to comfort me as he stood up and walked towards me, embracing me in a hug from behind.

"I'm not upset about it!" I yelled louder than expected. "I--I," I struggled to calm down. "He's nothing to me. He's a dog. I'm over him. Completely." I said as confidently as I could manage.

His grip around my waist tightened as he whispered in my ear, "Well I'm glad. You don't need him."

For the first time since the break up, I felt happy. I wasn't sure whether it was what Ryan had said, or Ryan himself that made me feel better.

I whipped around to face him, my lips inches from his. "Thank you, Ryan," I breathed out quietly, staring into his eyes and smiling sweetly. I gently kissed him on the cheek and pulled him into a hug.

"I'll always be here for you. Don't you ever forget that, Ev." He pulled out of the hug to look me back in the eyes. For the first time ever, I noticed how beautiful Ryan was. His bright blue eyes glimmering with happiness and hope, his chestnut brown curly locks perfectly framed around his soft face. I wondered why I had never seen him in this way before. Perhaps it was because I always had my eye on someone else, when maybe the person I really belonged with was right by my side the whole time.

"I love you, Ryan." I was shocked that the words had leaked out of my mouth. Did I really love him the same way I had loved Beau? I know I did, deep down somewhere I must love him just as much. He was my best friend, he was perfect, he was good for me. Even if I didn't love him right at this moment, I knew I could. I knew I would.

His eyes shot wide open at that. I felt his hands tremble slightly while resting on my waist. He cleared his throat out of nervousness and shakily began, "I've been waiting a long time to hear those words from you."

"I don't know how I didn't realize it sooner," I smiled shyly and immediately pushed my lips onto his.

He was caught off guard but quickly pressed against me, too. It was intense and full of passion. I could tell he had been waiting for this moment for a while. I was not about to let him take the lead, however. This was for me more than it was for him, after all. I knew it was selfish of me to use Ryan like this, but I was bound to fall for him sooner or later right? I needed to get over Beau, and if this was the way to do it then I'm damn well going to do it.

I pushed him back towards the couch and pounced on top of him, all without breaking our kiss. I ripped off his shirt, revealing his body, his less-tan torso and semi-defined abs. Although it paled in comparison to Beau, he was still decent. I gave him a smirk as I slowly pulled off my tee, forgetting I wasn't even wearing a bra underneath. His eyes froze as they stared at my chest. I felt self-conscious momentarily, until I realized it was just my boobs. I bit my lip and started kissing him from his mouth down to his neck, his collarbone. I felt his hands pull at my sweats. Eager, was he now? I smoothly pulled them off, my blue boyshort underwear kindly covering me. I was almost embarrassed at how childish I looked in them. One look at Ryan and I realized he didn't even notice. Apparently boyshorts were just as sexy as thongs, judging by his reaction.

He stripped off his pants and his Abercrombie & Fitch boxers. I giggled to myself--Ryan was classy. His boner popped out from them, and I took the hint by pulling off my remaining clothes as well. I seductively sat down on the couch, granting him permission to climb on top and enter me. His eyes were thankful as they stared into mine, his penetrations slowly getting stronger. I couldn't help but think of Beau. I closed my eyes and pictured his beautiful face, my mouth immediately spreading into smile. Ryan must've thought he caused it because he thruster even harder and mumbled dirty phrases to me. I concentrated on my mental image of Beau, however. This was crazy. I was sitting here, getting fucked by my best friend (who I was forcing myself to fall in love with), all the while dreaming of my ex-boyfriend. I was pathetic.

-

There we sat, exhausted but satisfied on the couch. His arm wrapped around my waist as we both faced the television; ironic because neither of us could bare to watch it. We were too focused in our own thoughts. My mind was racing, trying to make justifications on why it was acceptable for me to sit here and not feel guilty. I casually glanced back at Ryan. It was apparent he was lost in thoughts about me--about us. He smiled sweetly at me. I faked a smile back.

I was determined to fall in love with this boy, something just needed to click. I pondered how long I might have to fake these feelings before I started having them naturally. A couple days? A few weeks? It was disheartening to think about. I had fallen in love with Beau in a single night. The fact that Ryan was already in love with me gave me hope that it wouldn't take too long.