Lust or Love?

Chapter 11

I immediately broke into sobs again when I heard the door latch shut. I didn't understand why he would go and cheat. I didn't get why he would do that with some whore when he had me. Did he not want me? Was I not good enough for him? I didn't satisfy him as well as that whore could? Although I didn't have the answers for the questions that swarmed my brain, I did know one thing: Beau Brooks and I were done for good.

I decided to just shower and go to bed. I was emotionally exhausted, and surprisingly it made my physical health worse too. I turned my phone off and stuffed it in the couch cushion. I didn't want to be bothered by Beau--or anyone else for that matter--for a good several days. I needed some space from everybody.

-

I awoke Sunday morning just as depressed as last night. Luckily I didn't work today either, so I had the entire day to be as lazy as I wanted. I thought about staying in bed all day: I didn't have an appetite and I didn't want to do anything, so hypothetically I could remain in bed all day. But then I heard my house phone ring. I grunted and rolled out of bed, stomping my way to the phone in the kitchen.

I let out a raspy "Hello" when I answered the phone.

"Hey sweetie!" I let out a sigh as my mother's sweet voice came through the other side of the line. "Didn't hear from you last night--you doing okay honey?"

"Um-" I wasn't about to tell her the blowout Beau and I had. "Yeah I'm doing fine!" I put on my fake cheery voice and tried my best to be convincing. "I was pretty exhausted from all the working lately that I went to bed early last night and forgot to text you. Sorry bout that."

"Oh okay. I just get worried sometimes that's all," she continued on. "I leave you home alone so much, and it still makes me nervous about your safety."

Well maybe you shouldn't always leave me then, I thought. "I understand. Sorry mum."

"Well, dear, I called you during my break so I have to go in a minute--" she said, expectedly of course. She was always busy with meetings and conferences. Never seemed to have time to really talk to me. But that's okay. I didn't need her attention anyways. I was just fine on my own. "I love you," she finished.

"Uh huh love you too mum," I repeated without full meaning. I heard a click of the line and she was gone. Okay then. Don't even bother to say 'goodbye'.

I let out a big sigh and slammed the phone on its cradle. I felt so mad all of the sudden. I guess in combination with my anger towards Beau, I just couldn't handle when my mum was pissing me off too. I needed to calm my nerves.

I took a long, hot shower, hoping that it would take my mind off of things. It didn't. My mind couldn't help but wander back to the subject of Beau. I was by no means over him. That's what killed me. I was still utterly in love with him. I hated myself for it. Why couldn't I get over him? I hung on to his last words like they were the substance keeping me alive. "I love you." I wanted more than anything to love him too, believe me, I did. But I couldn't trust him. He was a player.

I lost track of time in the shower. I had sat down in the corner of it, the water raining down on the back of my neck as I cried. I stayed there, lifeless and without motivation, for a long time.

-

I heard a knock at the door. I grunted. Maybe if I don't answer, they'll just leave. I decided that was a sufficient idea and ignored the door. After the third knock, I realized they weren't going to leave. I dragged myself off the couch, glancing at my appearance in the mirror. I looked like a slob. My hair tied in a messy bun, my old gray sweats, an oversized tee that didn't match--but did I care? No. I had no one to impress. I could dress however I wanted, and today I dressed how I felt: pathetic.

As I walked to the front door, an intimidating thought flashed through my mind, making my knees tremble. What if it was Beau, begging me to take him back? I couldn't handle seeing him. I would fall apart. I wasn't ready to speak to him, because frankly I didn't know what to say. I inhaled deeply, my hand on the knob, and turned.

It was Ryan. Thank The Lord. I let out a sigh probably louder than I should, because his expression went from joyful to confused and embarrassed.

"Oh-uh-Ryan, hi." Although I was quiet, I was actually happy to see him. He was just the person to soothe my emotional pain. "Sorry I sighed, I was actually relieved it was you and not someone else at my door."

That seemed to resonate with him. "Oh, well I'm happy to see you too," he smiled. "I actually came by because I haven't heard from you in a while," he said shyly. "I was wondering if you wanted to do something today."

I really was not in any mood to go out in public. "Sure! But do you reckon we can just hangout around here?" I nodded towards my living room behind me. "I'm not exactly up for going out today," I tugged on my comfy pants and shirt.

"I would love to chill here with you," he laughed and stepped inside.