Lust or Love?

Chapter 10

"What do you mean 'no big deal'!" I screamed through the flood of tears rushing down my face. "You had sex with her! The fact that you even were looking at her in that way is wrong, much less the fact that you actually put your dirty thoughts into action!" I was beyond fed up. How could he do this to me. I didn't understand what I did to cause this.


He let out a shaky sigh. "It was late, we were all drunk, I honestly don't remember half of what happened there Ev-"


"Don't you even blame this on your intoxication, Beau. You damn well know that even when you're drunk you have the ability to consciously decide whether or not to cheat on your girlfriend!" I screamed at him, livid. "And you-you chose to cheat," I broke down into sobs, hiding my face in a pillow so I didn't have to look at him.


"Evelyn I never meant to hurt you!" I heard his voice break and he started lightly sobbing as well. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean for any of this to happen... I'm so sorry babe-"


"Don't call be 'babe'!" I looked up to his eyes, my expression more bitter than cough syrup. "I'm not your babe anymore, okay?! I'm not your anything! We're over, Beau. I'm just done," I was sobbing so much that my words began to slur, but he clearly understood my last few words.


His mouth dropped; his eyes flooded with tears; his mouth contorted into a wry frown. "Evelyn you-you can't be se-serious. We can't b-be ov-over. I love y-you Evy," he stuttered in between sobs. "Please don't l-leave me."


My eyes seemed dried out of tears, and I just sat on the couch staring at the floor, ignoring Beau's every word. I refused to look at him. And although I didn't want to speak to him either, I had to know why he did. I needed an explanation for why he cheated. It was the least I deserved. "Why'd you do it," I mumbled, barely loud enough for even me to hear.


"Wh-what?" I felt his eyes locked on my face, but I maintained my intent stare on the rug.


"I said why'd you do it," I repeated in a poisonous tone through my gritted teeth.


"Oh," he sighed, trying to calm his sobs. "I told you Evelyn, I didn't do it on purpose. I was stupid and drunk and she practically forced herself on me. I wasn't thinking at all and babe-I mean Evy," he sadly corrected himself, "you didn't do anything. It's all my fault," tears began slowly falling down his face again. "I'm the biggest dick in the world and I would do anything in the world just to have you back again," he confessed. "I love you so much. If I could take it back I would in a heartbeat! It meant nothing to me I swear," he stared down at his thumbs as he spoke, tears gently falling down his cheeks.


I waited a long minute before responding. He seemed genuine and sincere with everything he said, and I did want to take him back more than anything. But there was a piece of me that couldn't part with the thought that he might only hurt me again. Maybe Beau hadn't changed. Maybe he was still the same player he was before we started dating. As hard as he had tried, perhaps Beau just wasn't able to change. And then I remembered the promise he made me: "I'll never hurt you, Evelyn."


He broke his promise. I couldn't take him back.


"Get out," I said calmly, still avoiding his gaze.


"Evelyn you can't be serious-" he started, but I cut him off.


"I said, get out. Leave. You're not welcome here Beau." My tone quiet and monotone.


I felt his eyes burning into my face but I refused to look. I knew if I saw his face--his beautiful, pained face that I loved oh, so much--I would break down again. I couldn't handle that.


He slowly stood up and walked towards the door, keeping a steady stare on me, probably waiting for me to change my mind. I let him keep going. I heard the front door open, and he mumbled a soft 'I love you' before leaving.


The front door shut. My heart broke.