Lust or Love?

Chapter 13

I woke up to the sound of pots and pans banging around in my kitchen. Startled, I sat for a second on the couch as my heart rate increased; I struggled to think logically about who would be in my house besides me. Then I remembered that Ryan had spent the night, and I breathed a slight sigh of relief before panicking again. Did I really sleep with him last night? It couldn't have been a dream--my mind wasn't that creative...

"Morning babe," Ryan's husky voice hollered from the kitchen. He must've heard me shift on the couch.

"H-" My voice was raspy and blank, "Hey Ryan, morning." I cleared my throat as I yelled back. I stood up from the couch and stretched, letting out a yawn. I was physically tired but unfortunately there was no way I could sleep with the memory that I just slept with my best friend. I re-did my messy bun and put my sweats and shirt back on, heading into the kitchen.

I was greeted by a topless Ryan, with a spatula in one hand and a skillet full of pancakes in the other. "I'm shocked you know how to cook," I laughed and took a seat at the table.

"Of course I can cook!" He winked at me, flipping pancakes like a professional chef. "And I wanted to make my baby breakfast when she woke up," he added with a grin.

My stomach turned uneasily; I could've done without the second part of his reply. Aside from the fact that we already slept with each other, I wanted to go slow with Ryan. I still was incredibly unsure whether this--we, I guess--would last long and I knew it would only wreck our chances more if he sped things up. I needed to let him know my feelings about this more than anything, and although I was dreading it, the words spilled out of my mouth more steady than I expected. "Ryan, we need to talk."

His body froze slightly, and he turned to face me. "Y-yeah sure, okay," he said questioningly, "what about?" I could hear the panic in his voice. He knew how hard it was to finally get me to himself, and he was worried it was too good to last I sensed. My heart broke at the fact that I had all his emotions in my control. I had to be honest, but delicate. This would be a challenge...

"Look," I took his hands as he came closer and sat at the table across from me. "I love you Ryan, I do. I meant it when I said it last night." His eyes were fixated on me as I stared at our hands interlocked on the wood table. "But I love Beau too, and it's going to take me a while to get over him completely," I choked out the sentence.

He interrupted me at that. "I know you do, but I'll wait, I will." He lifted my chin with his finger, forcing me to look into his eyes.

"And I know you will wait, but Ryan do you understand? It hurts me so much just thinking about the fact that I'm in a relationship with someone who is fully committed to me, and yet I can't give them the undivided love they deserve. I feel guilty, and I know you deserve better. It's not fair of me that you're more devoted in this than I am. And I don't know when I'll be able to fully commit to this relationship." Tears formed in my eyes as I spoke this. I blinked them away, determined to stay strong, however. "I just need to take things slow with you," I breathed a sigh as I calmed myself down.

He grinned widely. "And don't you see? I can give you time! I can wait for you! I don't mind taking things slow one bit! I love you and have always loved you, and I'm willing to let you take as long as you need to get over him," I was glad he didn't say his name. It wouldn't only make me tear up again.

I gave him a promising smile in response, nodding my head and clutching his hands tighter. "You're exactly what I need, Ryan. I can't believe I didn't see this sooner. I should've been with you all along instead of that douche," I couldn't bare to say his name.

He stood up from the table and pulled me into a bear hug, giving me a soft kiss on the neck. "I've been waiting so long for you to see this, Ev," he whispered in my ear. "We're perfect for each other."

-

It was three weeks today, Ryan and I had lasted with no problems at all. It was strange how good of a boyfriend he was to me, always taking me places and being honest with me. That's what I treasured more than anything in our relationship--honesty. I was so glad he didn't try to hide anything from me like my ex did.

Ryan was at work for the day, and I had stayed home to catch up on some homework. Unfortunately, I had finished it hours ago and had nothing to satisfy my time. I decided to catch up on some recorded tv shows, but for some reason my normally-fulfilling episodes of "Awkward." seemed rather dull.

*Ding-dong* the chime from the front door was a saving grace to my boredom.

"Coming!" I yelled as I leaped off the couch to greet the visitor. A turn of the handle and I stood, gaping mouth and clammy palms, in front of the last person I ever wanted to see.

"I came by to talk."