Late Night Thoughts

Lost

03-31-16

Everyone in their life will be, was, or is lost. In that case, I am lost.

I never felt so.. Alive. So free last year. I didn't quite know what I wanted to do but I had lots of interests. It will be there for the long run. I had great friends, it was a group. There were 12 of us (not including me). I had the best teacher ever, and my family were doing okay. Better than this year at least.

In just a year, things change so much. You don't know much I want to go back to last year. But life must go on. Everything I like, things I'm "decent" at, which isn't a lot, I started to question. Was I good at writing?? How about badminton?? Chess player??? Was I good a friend??? A leader? I questioned everything and that honestly haunts me. It's hard for me to find something I was passionate about. My whole life has been questioned! Was I not good to fit society's standards?? I was hardly good at anything, especially sports.

"What are you good at?"

I don't KNOW! I can't answer that question if I don't know the answer.

It hurts. I remember staring at the question on the piece of paper. We were suppose to turn it in. It's a sheet for the teachers to get to know us. I looked around the classroom, my peers answered all questions like it was nothing. They knew themselves.. At least their basic self. I glanced at the paper of the girl next to me. She knew exactly what she was good at.

Maybe I haven't found out what I'm great at. Maybe I need to explore a little more. I just don't know, I'm scared. Will I be like this forever?? Will everyone be great at many stuff and I will be in my room questioning myself?

People said I was good at writing, especially when it came to me writing about my feelings. I genuinely don't know what to believe.

I feel like crying. I'm horrible at everything. I know I need to try to be great and doing something but they don't interest me enough for me to keep trying.

I know I do not need to fit society's standards. I usually don't care.. But when it comes to my skills and ability.. I do compare myself. It's the one of things that will matter a lot. It will be there and hopefully something I want to peruse my career in. All my teachers told me that I should wake up and feel happy about going to work. Not hate it.

I want to have a career that includes mostly writing. I will take more about this in my future entries.

"What do you want your future career to be?"

A lot of people ask me that but I don't have an answer. I use to know the answer but my answers changed once I got to know myself and the world a bit better.

That's all for now, I will write about a similar topic in a hour or two.