Late Night Thoughts

Locked

04-30-16

I can't help it. I can't hide the fact that I deal with large problems very poorly. It makes sense though, take a look in my lens.

I grew up happy - at least for the first 4 years of my life. At age 5, family issues happened and I did not know how to deal with it. So I tried my best to cope. I did what any other 5 year old would do - cry and dream about happy things. When I was 7, I was introduced to writing in a diary, and hell! It helped - it's my escape and my cope. Which is why writing is very important to me, still to today! But without a pencil, without a paper.. I couldn't do very much. I would breakdown very easily and be pretty sensitive to all negative things. Today, I am not as sensitive and I don't write everyday but I try to.

It's hard for me to say what I want. I was the type of girl to keep quiet - not speak up. My voice would be hoarse and my voice would crack as I talked through tears streaming down my face. I was told to shut up. I was annoying. What my family thought of me was important (not very much now ;/)

I can't tell what I want to say - only through writing. I can't say what I would want to without crying. My deepest thoughts and emotions. I can't say it, so I don't.

I wish I could cope with issues better just as easy as it is saying it. But I can't. I don't want to cry while saying my emotions - I hate pity and judgement, especially from my family. I know it would be used against me. Letting that happen again will be miserable.

Crying doesn't make you weak. It shows that I still have emotions.

I know that - it's one of my long thought-about philosophies.

I can't though.

And I wish I could say more.

But my words are locked behind a prison cell.