Don't Panic!

The Day of the Goat

There are many creatures in the animal kingdom, big and small; harmless and ferocious. But there is only one creature that is to be feared above all others. The evilest creatures in existence: goats.

Tigers and lions will only hurt you if they're hungry or if you try to hurt them. A goat is not governed by such laws. They don't care about right and wrong. They're just pricks. I say this from experience.

After a month of school, people tend to fall into a certain friend circle. This didn't happen for me. I wasn't on particularly bad terms with anyone, but I didn't exactly have any close friends either. So I was actually quite surprised when one Saturday morning during my holidays I received a text from Daemon.

 Come to the school. Bring masks, 2 paperclips and a pineapple. - Daemon

Under normal circumstances I would have ignored the text and gone to sleep but the pineapple part intrigued me. Also I had nothing to do and anything was better than sitting at home, listening to my mother badgering me to go study. So there I was standing a couple of metres away from the school gates, my cargo in a little plastic bag by my side. 

Daemon drove up on an ancient scooter that he had probably inherited from his grandfather. It had once been a powder blue but now looked elephant grey at best. On the back was a wooden box with holes on one side. 

"Let's go through the back," he said, dismounting.

Now our school is right next to a college. Both are under the same management and share the same sports facilities. So there is a path that leads from the front of the college to the back of the school and this was the road we were sneaking up.

"What's in the box?" I asked, eyeing it suspiciously. 

"I'm so glad you asked," He said. "Did you bring everything?"

"Yes, but you didn't answer my question."

"The District School council is meeting to decide the venues and stuff for this year's youth festival."

"What does that have to do with the box?"

"Everything," He grinned. "Why don't you open it?" He set the box on the ground and stepped away.

"You're not carrying a bomb in there are you?" I asked. Considering this was Daemon, it was a possibility.

"You won't know unless you open it."

I considered just leaving but then curiosity got the best of me. There's a reason they say curiosity kills the cat. It might not always kill you, but you could always get seriously hurt.

I gingerly opened the top and immediately felt a searing pain as a pair of incisors dug into my left hand. I screamed and backed away, toppling onto my back. Inside the box was a goat with short horns and splotchy black and white fur. It stared malevolently at me with it's menacing yellow eyes.

"What the Hell, man?" I squeaked. Daemon was practically rolling on the floor laughing.

"Why do you have a goat?" I demanded.

"Because it's easier to carry than a cow," He wiped a tear and grinned. "Like I said, the principal isn't here so a golden opportunity has presented itself."

"Does the opportunity involve getting your hand ripped off by a goat?"

"No, but it involves letting a goat loose in the Principal's office so he can eat our term papers."

I gaped open-mouthed at him. Even for Daemon, this was a little extreme.

"You do realise we could get expelled?"

"Would you rather lie in bed feeling sorry for yourself all day?"

"Yes!"

"Okay listen," Daemon said. "I'm going to do this with or without you. You're perfectly free to go home and continue being a pathetic little sod; or you can help me set a crazed farm animal loose in the Principal's office. What's it going to be?"

Now I know, the option should have been obvious. Daemon was asking me to risk my future for a moment's fun. And if you ever find yourself in such a situation, take the exit route. Nine times out of ten, it's not worth it. So I'm proud to say I told him to piss off and went home.

Actually no, because that would be a lie. 

"Fine, I'm in." 

"Excellent," He rubbed his hands together. "Pass me the stuff."

He pocketed the paper clips and we pulled our masks on.

"What are we gonna do with the pineapple?" I asked, pulling it out of the bag.

"Woah woah!" Daemon shouted. "Don't take it out!"

"Why not?!"

"Goats are crazy about pineapples. That's our lure."

"Why do we need a lure for?"

"How else are we going to get Betty out of her box? I'm not putting my hand near that meat grinder!"

"You named the goat?"

"All goats are named Betty, Sirius." He rolled his eyes. "Everyone knows that."

And so we set off, me keeping a look out for any security guards and Daemon leading 'Betty' with the pineapple as bait. We sneaked through the back entrance without alerting any guards. By the time we reached the principal's office, we were congratulating ourselves on our luck. That should have been our warning. Whenever you feel that nothing could possibly go wrong, that is the moment when everything goes wrong.

Daemon inserted a paperclip into the lock to force it but the door swung open unlocked. That in itself wasn't all that bad but the sight we saw was one neither of us stands a good chance of ever forgetting. The first thing to hit us was the smell of sweaty bodies. Then we heard the rhythmic pounding. And then we saw it.

In order to maintain the PG rating on this story I can't exactly tell you what we saw but I can tell you it involved the vice-principal, a cleaning lady and a word that begins with 'F' and rhymes with 'ducking'.

For a good ten seconds, neither of us made a move. I think we were both frozen by the horror unfolding in front of us. Thankfully they were so engrossed in what they were doing that they didn't notice the two of us. Until Betty gave us away with a bleat that probably meant "Daaaaamn son!".

The lady opened her eyes and screamed. Daemon recovered first, chucking the pineapple at them shouting "Special Delivery!"

Immediately, Betty leaped after it with an almighty "Baaaah".

Then we turned and ran like the wind. We didn't even stop to catch our breath until we were safely out of the school grounds and collapsing around Daemon's ancient scooter. For a few minutes neither of us could think straight. Then we started laughing like a bunch of maniacs. 

Like I said, if someone ever asks you to risk your career and future for the sake of a moment's fun, don't. Nine times out of ten, it's a bad idea. But that tenth time? It might just be the best fun you'll ever have.

Also never mess with a goat. They. Are. Evil!