Don't Panic!

Why I Can't Go To A Mall

So it all happened during my month-long vacation. I had recently started dating Shaline. So far we had only met three times since starting our relationship and I had suggested a date to the mall. So there I was wandering around the food court, waiting for her. My phone started ringing and I saw that it was her.

"Hey," I said. "Where are you?"

"I'm sorry," She replied. "I can't make it. I have to go for a wedding."

Because weddings can happen at any time without warning. They're a real hazard.

"Okay then," I said. "Guess we'll meet up sometime later?"

She cut the call without replying.

Now you might think getting stood up by my girlfriend would have been the worst thing to happen to me that day. It wasn't.

I was sitting dejectedly in the food court, drinking an extremely tall glass of milkshake (I hadn't graduated to alcohol yet). I stared ahead and saw a couple happily sharing a pizza just a few tables ahead of me. And oh I wanted that. I wanted to have someone who would stand by my side through thick and thin. Someone I could call mine. Instead all I had was a possessive lady who wanted nothing to do with me, but still wanted me all for herself.

That's when the idea struck me. Iza lived quite nearby. I could call her and ask her to hang out. I was instantly energised and started dialling as fast as I could. The phone rang three times without answer and then she picked up.

"What is it?" She demanded.

"Um, do you wanna come down to the mall?" I asked. "I'm kinda bored so I thought you'd like to hang out."

For a moment there was dead silence and I could practically see her trying to compose herself and remain calm.

"Sirius," she said. "I'm at the other end of the state! I'm visiting my grandparents. If you wanna hang out some other time, text me or call me up first so I can plan things accordingly."

And she cut the call. So now I had gotten turned down by both my girlfriend and my crush. Beautiful.

I returned to the food court and ordered an even taller glass of milkshake. I was filled with an all-encompassing sadness. If my life was a movie, the colours would have dimmed away and sad music would be playing right around now. Now you probably think this was the worst thing to happen that day. It wasn't either.

My phone lit up with my mom's number.

"Hello?"

"Sirius get home right now." She said. "You have coaching classes today. You have to be there in half an hour. Hurry up!"

At no point in my life have I wanted to kill someone as badly as I did then. I downed the rest of my milkshake and got up to leave when I got another call. Except this time it was nature calling and it was urgent. It would seem the milkshakes had finally gotten to me.

"Excuse me," I asked. "Where's the washroom?"

"Straight and take a left," the lady behind the counter replied.

I practically ran all the way across the mall and burst into the bathroom. I got into a cubicle and struggled with my zipper. Finally, I was struck with the sense of absolute peace which can only be achieved through either meditation or pissing. I was standing there savouring that moment of happiness when I was alerted to the rhythmic jingling of a woman's anklet.

There were women standing outside, talking and giggling. That's when I realised that I hadn't stopped to check the signboard and that I hadn't seen any urinals. I was standing in the ladies washroom with no way out.

I whipped out my phone and called the only person I could think of.

"Daemon," I whispered as softly as I could.

"Hi," he whispered back. "Why are we whispering?"

"I can't tell you," I replied. "But I need you to come down to the mall and make a diversion on the first floor. Hurry up please!"

It took him ten minutes to get to the mall and another five to do whatever the hell he did. For fifteen minutes I squatted in that washroom while women walked in one after the other. Finally, at the end of fifteen minutes of hell, I got out and raced home.

To this day, I cannot enter a mall without wincing at the memory.