Speculations

The Quest

I am on a quest for contentment. I've been trying to search for it since longer than I can remember. I've searched for it high and low, far and wide. People claim happiness is in contentment. I strongly disagree. Happiness and contentment are two different emotions, capable of being felt independent of each other. I have used all these years for an unsuccessful quest, for that unattainable feeling of satisfaction. Satisfaction. It is a funny word isn't it? Some people never get satisfied with what they have. They engage themselves in unending races based on pure envy and the unending need to show off. I am not dissatisfied with what I have. It's just I never get satisfied with what I do. With what I am. I sometimes wonder if this is too much to ask fate for.

I have faint memories of a time when I was once content. Like words etched on the sands of a beach, endangered by winds of time, only to be wiped away ruthlessly by the waves.

I have been walking aimlessly, holding on to shreds of hope that better times will come. I feel like a fossil sometimes: dead in all sorts of perspectives, yet a physical proof of having once survived, lived and thrived. I have a question. What happens if you don't want to die, but neither do you want to live anymore? Does it leave you hanging in an abyss, where you are constantly moving but aren't covering any distance? Where there is no sense of direction, forward or backward, left or right? You are too tired to move, all your energy drained by this never ending quest, but you cannot stop moving either, no matter however hard you try. I wonder if contentment really exists or is another fairy tale told to us. But then my heart reminds me of those times I can never forget but actually have forgotten over time. This helplessness, this vulnerability was supposed to diminish by time.

Or was it?