When it happens.

21: Not your fault.

I'm taken out of the room. Dan said he didn't want my decision to be dependent on others. We sit down and he looks at me.

"Have you made a decision? It's ok if you haven't." He says. I bite the inside of my cheek.

"I don't know, it's just. I don't want to be alone. I know I wouldn't be physically alone but mentally ... I mean everything seems so broken between everyone and the idea of the therapy house thing is not setting with me. And I don't want to disappoint anyone, and don't say it won't disappoint anyone because we both know it will." I say as I pick at the skin around my nail. I don't know where to go. Where do I go?

Dan takes a deep breath. He looks at me and strokes his chin.

"Forgive me for asking this, but usually people who have been through the things you had an anchor, something to keep them going. Did you have one? What was it?" He asks. I bite my lip.

"Well, it was Toby, the baby. But I constantly played the piano. Like 22 hours a day, until my fingers were stiff and numb." I say as I pull at my fingers, somehow it brings me comfort.

"Well, why don't you stay with Toby or have a piano. Would that help?" He asks.

"I think so. Can I spend a little more time with them? Maybe separately? Then I'll give you my decision." I say. Dan nods and walks out the room.

Soon he comes back with jake, I smile at him and its returned. I look at Dan and with a small smile he leaves the room but not without telling me he'll be watching as there are cameras in the room.

"Hey." I say.

"Hey." He replies, he still looks at me with unreadable eyes.

"So what happened when I was, umm, gone?" I ask as I pull at my fingers again.

"Well when you left my place I just did the usual and got ready for bed. I heard a knock on he door and Darren was there, crying. He told me about your fight and damn he felt bad. Well I let him stay over but we didn't sleep much. In the morning when you didn't turn up anywhere and non of your friends knew where you were we called  the police. We spent days looking for you, almost no sleep, hardly eating. I had to remind Darren about his meds as he was so out of it from all the stress. He got the music channels to talk about you along with the police made news conferences. We spent the whole time together just worrying, crying, tweeting. Until we saw you we didn't believe you were still alive." He says. I nod.

"I'm sorry." I whisper.

"It's not your fault." He says and gives me a small smile.

"What's happening with you and the army?" I ask.

"Well, I realized losing you was terrible, I don't want to be responsible for that, I've re enrolled myself in school." He says, I smirk and nod.

"Did you mean what you said? About feeling as if you lost a sister?" I ask.

"Yeah, I mean I will never deny the fact that I loved you, love you, but spending the time with you before made me realize that I love you, just not in that way, I will probably always love you, but as a sister more than anything." He says, I smile.

"And I love you like a brother, my brother would be happy." I say and he smiles.

"What's going to happen with you and Darren now then?" He asks.

"I don't know. I'm worried I will stop him from getting better, he needs to learn to rely on himself, it's not good for either of us." I say honestly.

"He was in tatters when you were gone, but I guess that shows his love. It's up to you." He says, I nod.

Dan walks in and gives me a smile.