Teenage Helpline

2 : 4 9 a m

LEGEND:
Leigh - italics
Colton - bold

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"Hello, this is Teenage Helpline. Please feel free to confess anything you want. We will always stay by your side and do our best to support you!"

"Hi Leigh."

"Oh, it's you again."

"Problem?"

"Your whole life is a problem. Why shouldn't I be bothered?"

"Hah [short laugh]. But what if I'm suicidal? I'm pretty sure that's not what the script adviced you to say to suicidal customers."

"It was a good one nevertheless. But are you suicidal?"

"I don't know. Pretty close."

"Uh... okay. Sorry."

"Don't worry. Pretty close doesn't do anything."

"That's what I am supposed to tell you. Anyways, uh, is that why you called?"

"Yeah, kinda... I don't know."

"Feeling better already? Huh. I'm not paid nearly enough for this job."

"Hah [short laugh]."

"Your laughs are kinda creeping me out you know. Can't you just produce a happy, genuine one?"

"Why? Already worried about my wellbeing?"

"Shut up. Your flirting skills are horrible."

"Oh? Who said I was?"

"... Uh... Well young man, look here, I..."

"Just chill, woman. I know you find strangers with a fairly attractive voice like me lovable, but hold your horses. You can't go liking anyone who phones you at three."

"I don't. And your voice sounds as manly as the squeaky fart of a wrinkly unicorn."

"Excuse me? Unicorns don't age, okay? They are immortal creatures."

"What the heck gave you that idea?"

"I dunno. That's what my girlfriend used to tell me when I said I hated unicorns. Then she'd force me to listen to 'Pink Fluffy Unicorn - 10 hours'. Worst moments ever."

"But you remembered them. So in a way, they must have been good, right?"

"I suppose, yeah. I used to tell her that little unicorn could never sing that song for 10 hours and not die, so she told me they don't age. I don't even know anymore."

"Well... how's she now? Your girlfriend I mean."

"Still the same."

"Sad."

"Like your life."

"Like your mother's emotion when she had you."

"Like your father's words when he found your real mother."

"Like when God knows you exist."

"Same but with your whole generation."

"You know, we all have the same origins."

"Sad [laughs]."

"[also laughs] We are horrible."

"Yeah, except for me. Glad you realised anyways."

"Shut up, smart-ass."

"I'll take that as a compliment, since obviously you can't handle my brilliance."

"It's too low-level for mine, yes."

"You suck."

"You swallow."

"You spit."

"You lick up."

"You oesophagise."

"That does not exist."

"I don't care. Counter now or I win."

"Well, you acidice."

"You digest."

"You break down."

"You diffuse."

"You wastilise."

"Wow. Wow. [slow clap] You excrete."

"You diarrheate."

"You wipe."

"You flush."

"And that's exactly what we do with anything we suck in. Awesome."

"It's true though!"

"The Theory of Suckation."

"With a special dictionary of words that don't exist inside."

"Best."

"Indeed. Later, sucker."

"GG."

[Click.]