Yep, I'm doing great. That whole weird episode is over, and maybe now we can go back to gagging when we see each other. It's much more natural this way. We're more comfortable, and no one is upset. Okay maybe that monster comment hurt a little bit. Just a little though. I mean I guess I thought for a minute that I had found someone who made me feel worth something but that was obviously wrong. It's all my fault. I'm still a little confused on what exactly happened, but I'm working it out.
It seems like the whole world reeks of Simon's magick. I could taste it in the air. I rubbed my eyes with my palms, trying to erase the pain in my brain. I thought some fresh air would help me, but I still felt suffocated. There was no escape from myself or my life. Not for a second. I decided to go to the library for one last ditch effort of running away from my problems. What problems? I have no such things.
As I walked in the direction of the building, the smell of Simon's magick kept getting more intense. I could see smoke rising from the girl's dormitory. That can't be good. I quickened my pace to see what was happening. There was a crowd of people surrounding the dorm, and I could see the flames that were now mostly gone, faintly licking away at the already mortally wounded structure. I saw Penelope looking frightened and in shock, but okay. The smell of Simon was sickening, and smoke burned my eyes. What happened was obvious, but I didn't want to believe it. My heart pounded. Where's Simon? I pushed through the crowd to see Simon spread out on the floor unconscious. I covered my mouth in horror.
"What happened?" I asked shakily to the nurse that was checking his vitals.
"It seems Simon lost control of his magick for some reason," he told him. "Luckily he was the only one injured, everyone else got out unscathed." As if I cared about anyone else but Simon.
"Is he going to be alright?" I asked, running my hand through my hair.
"Simon should be just fine," he said with a smile. "He's more exhausted than anything, he's just got minor injuries." I exhaled deeply. What could have upset him enough to blow up a building? It felt like my brain was going to explode. Someone tapped my shoulder. I jumped about a billion feet. Penelope gave me a weak smile.
"You do care!" she said taking my hand to lead me away from the crowd.
"What are you talking about?" I said, taking my hand back, but still following her.
"Oh please, Simon told me everything," she raised her eyebrows. I held her gaze, but my face turned a little red against my will. After I didn't respond she continued. "Why do you think he flipped out like he did?"
"How should I know?" I asked looking at my nails, unconcerned. Although I was concerned. My breath became shorter with every passing second. Penelope rolled her eyes.
"You broke his heart Baz," she said gently but still scolding. Like a mother. My heart imploded at her motherly tone which I hadn't heard since I was a toddler.
"Number one, that's not true. Number two, why are you telling me this?" My voice cracked. I groaned internally.
"What do you mean it's not true?"
"Oh I guess Simon left out the part where he called me an evil monster and told me he would never like me and called me self obsessed for even thinking it!" I felt like crying. I didn't obviously.
"And you believed him?"
"Well yeah, it's true!"
"That's not what he told me!" We were yelling now. We would've caused a scene if Simon hadn't beaten us to it.
"He deserves better."
"Yeah I agree, but I'm not the decider," she crossed her arms.
"I don't like him," I said weakly. She actually laughed. "I'm not gay."
"Ya okay," she said walking away laughing. I walked in the other direction, my headache now twice as bad. I didn't think I would ever recover at this point. I caught sight of Simon being carried to the infirmary on the way to our dorm. I know being gay isn't a big deal, but I just never thought I was. I guess I've never actually liked someone, so I wouldn't know my sexuality. But at the same time, how do you not know your sexuality? I guess I just thought because girls are pretty, I'm straight. Girls are very pretty, but I don't think I would ever want to have sex with them. If Simon was a girl, I wouldn't have dare done those things to him. He would've kept on being my enemy, or at very best, friend. I have to face it head on and get over it.
The harder pill to swallow was the prospect of actually having a cutesy crush on Simon fucking Snow. Gag. There was no way. He would be over me when he woke up. I still don't completely believe he ever liked me. Double gag. My face is turning red because it's so gross to think he liked me, not because it makes me feel warm and fuzzy like an energetic puppy instead of a vampire.
I had to see him. To prove Penelope wrong. He was going to throw me out of the infirmary faster than I could say "fuck off." I made a u-turn and ran to Simon, heart pounding. I just wanted it all to be over.
I entered the infirmary like I didn't have a single care in the world. In fact like I was bored by everything. I tried to hide my urgency to make sure he was all right. I was ready to get rejected quickly and painlessly. A nurse pointed to the room where Simon was being cared for and I went in nervously. Simon was laying groggily with Penelope at his side. His hair was messier than usual, and he was significantly paler, with shadows under his eyes. One look and I was sunk. This was a terrible, terrible idea. I had almost lost it last night and confessed my love to Simon. I practically proposed. Instead I confessed my hate of course, but seeing him again brings all those emotion down on me like a direct smite from a monotheistic god.
I couldn't say anything, I just stood there awkwardly, with both Penelope and Simon staring at me. I didn't know what to do. I almost left as fast as possible, when Penelope stood up. I didn't know whether to be angry or grateful.
"I just remembered I have to meet Agatha somewhere," she said. "I'll see you later Simon!" She left, winking at me on the way out. I did not appreciate that wink.
"So uh are you okay?" I asked him.
"Yeah I'm really great!" he nodded enthusiastically. Sarcasm, ouch. I smiled at him regardless, because he was adorable.
"Well that's good." Awkward silence. What do I do? I have to do something. Say something. "Uhhhhhhh..." Good one Baz. "I just came here to apologize," I said looking at my feet. Simon raised his eyebrows, shocked. "I played with you and your emotions and I took advantage of your kindness." That sounded lame and like a rejection. I am actually the worst. "I didn't mean to, I'm just terrible at anything except being an asshole." He nodded appreciatively. "The thing is...ummmmmm...I know you deserve better and not a monster, but I just wanted to tell you..." I took a deep breath and didn't exhale. I just stood there, lungs burning.
"Baz I lied when I told you I thought you were a monster." I finally exhaled and sat down on his bed. He sat up so we were shoulder to shoulder. I felt really stupid and vulnerable, but I knew Simon wouldn't make me regret this.
I turned to tell him how I felt, but instead kissed him. And it said everything.
Why Do Fools Fall In Love by Franky Lymon & The Teenagers
