Only Us

Chapter 22

BEA

Today was just a freaking roller coaster ride! I had went on for months and survived without much of a trace from Jia and I did well. So how could a random day of mostly unintentional interactions with her suddenly swallow me up and drown me? I had built my wall. Specifically, a fortress. I did this to protect myself. And now, as if on cue, out of nowhere, she positions herself into my life, trying to break down whatever it is that shields me from her. 

That car ride wasn't part of my plan. Heck, even Moro therapy wasn't. None of it was in my plans but somehow fate led me to it. I don't even believe that existing forces can work together for an event to take place, but this was just out of the question. Yes, I did not want to invite her to ride with me to training. I thought she did not need me for things like that. Ever since I knew about it, Miguel was her ride. Which explains why I went straight to my car with the intention of breezing fast all the way to training despite the campus speed limit. But somehow, the sight of her walking alone made me feel guilty. I do not want her to go through anything alone. Then it hit me. Maybe I still care for her after all. Even after all the painful things I went through because of her.

But from the moment she got in my car all the way to the gym, I experienced a crazy mix of emotions I couldn't even explain. I was sent back to moments when she was in that very space and I could hold her hand freely and stare at her as she looks out the window. I wanted to see her smile at me with affection, with such fragile care which can be seen through her eyes. But all I got was silence. I did not want to speak since I might cross over the line. She did not attempt to speak either. Although I was happy she was beside me, I became cautious not to fall into this Jia trap. I reminded myself of my wall. I had to hold on to it or else I will get hurt again. 

Jia is not mine anymore and I have to keep reminding myself. This girl seated beside me does not belong to me and has never been. I don't even know now if the words and moments we shared then were even real. Because I can feel in this car ride filled with painful silence that it was not meant to exist...yet deep down I know it was as real as my every heartbeat. All those months spent trying to heal myself from her turned to dust and flew with the wind. And I was in pain again. 

I had to quickly get away from this and from her so as soon as we arrived, I jumped out to get my things. She still had to go near me and thank me for the ride. I was much in pain to reply in words, so I just nodded and walked ahead. I did not want her to see the tears that suddenly chose to escape from my eyes. I am a strong person in many ways, but with her, I was just too weak.

A/N: Sorry for the narrative update but I needed to show the pain Bea felt. Diba usually pag heartbroken, nagiging deep and emotional ang tao? Thank you to all who still continue to read. I really appreciate it! :)