Only Us

Chapter 45

JIA

The moment I realized who was holding the ice cream cone that I knew was mine, everything just went blank. For a while I could not properly process my thoughts. As far as I know, I just went there for the ice cream. Not this sort of twist. The person holding my cone was not just some random soul. It was someone very dear to me. Someone, who I had a difficult time leaving, yet it was the same person that pushed me to move away. Not that she asked me to leave. Definitely not. If I had my choice at all, I would never leave. But then, I had to, not only for myself but for her as well.

I always felt that it was unfair for her to continue on with me there and not feel hurt. I know, that at that time, I cannot offer her what she wanted. I cannot promise her the things she wanted to hear. I cannot put into actions what I feel. It might be because I have a lot of fears, a lot of doubts, a million questions unanswered and countless thoughts that might never stop bothering me. I knew her worth, so I cannot risk it by hurting her, by making her feel unworthy, by leaving her hanging with her own questions about me, or about us, if there was ever an "us".

So when I received my acceptance letter abroad and when we lost the championship, I took the chance. I had to do this so I can move away for a while. To give her time. To give "us" time. The opportunity to heal with our new lives without each other. I had hoped something close to this would happen when I was away, that I would somehow outgrow her, that the obvious distance could try to take away these weird feelings and pain. But I learned that distance was such a persistent traitor. The more I hoped to get over her and focus on the life I tried to build here, the more I realized how much emptiness there was in me. No matter how enriching and exciting things are here, there are moments when I felt they were void of meaning. It's as if you are living in an autopilot mode. Floating, trying to find yourself when in fact you have been lost all along. So at the brink of it all, I had asked for signs that I may find the answers to my never ending questions.

The answer came simultaneously with the questions. Because the answer I was trying to find, showed up in the very face of the person who gave me so many questions in the first place. I found my answer when I saw her. In that moment, all my doubts seemed to be erased. All my fears melted with the ice cream. All that I was trying to run away from was not exactly worth escaping for. Instead, I felt this familiar tug, this forceful energy, this feeling of peace, amidst the noise. It was when I realized that we were hugging each other. I've never felt this safe and secure in such a long time!

The only thing that sent me back to my senses was the feeling of two arms pulling me in different directions. I felt Miguel's assertive pull, trying to make me follow him. At the same time, I felt her graceful touch, it was a much gentler pull, but enough to make me turn around to face her. I felt her kiss my forehead. It felt longer than it was. More than the contact, I felt her sincerity and promise.

When we were riding Miguel's car after that towards his aviation school where he will take me flying, I felt as if I did not belong there anymore. That I was an outsider where I am, that my place had always been there where I left it. I felt tears stream down my face. Instinctively, I reached into my pocket for my handkerchief and grasped something that I had not placed there before. I took it out and saw that it was the same necklace that I left in Bea's room. I remember that I purposely left it there before I left so she can have something that would remind her of me. That even if I left physically, there was still a part of me that would inform her of my presence.

The emotions that surged in afterwards was just way too much too handle. I ended up sobbing in the car. It was similar to the feeling of finding your purpose, of finding your reason, of knowing the answers. In my case, it was finding my place. I realized where I belonged. I finally knew where my home is. And it is nowhere near here. Home is not in this place with this person driving the car I'm riding. Home is with someone who returned this necklace to me. As always, home would find its way to me. Just like with my planner in those days, this necklace was returned to me, by the same person. This time though, it meant more to me than ever. This necklace represents myself and now that it is back with me, I am now on my way back home.

When we arrived, Miguel told me to wait in the lobby of his school. He did not mind that I was crying in the car earlier, he did not even try to ask me about it. When he returned, he handed me an envelope.I asked him what it was and he just said that it was his "thank you" gift for me for everything. I told him that he did not need to give me anything but he insisted that I open it. What I saw inside was unexpected. It was a one way ticket back to the Philippines leaving in 24 hours.

I was shocked so I asked him why. He told me sincerely that he knew. Even before we were still in Manila, he felt that I was not myself when I'm with him, that my mind was somewhere else. Seeing me cry in his car a while ago was the last straw. He said that he always saw how I felt through my eyes. All he wanted was for me to be happy but he saw that it was not how things were. He knew he could not make me happy the way Bea does. He told me that he knew by the way I was affected with everything. He saw my wallpaper a long time ago, the photos I still kept and brought with me, the sparkle in my eyes when I saw her and the way I clutched the necklace she returned to me. All that made everything clear to him. He did not want to get in the way of my happiness.

So here I am, back in the land where I was born, a few hours fresh from the airport. I booked a room in the same hotel where the team was staying. I did not want to waste time. Now that I am back, I know now that I am brave and ready to finally find my home.