Only Us

Chapter 32

JIA

I got inside the dorm unsure of what to feel. This has been one of the best nights in my life. It was not because there was extravagance or adventure but because I was with Bea. That alone, even in the simplest of moments, makes me feel exhilarated. There is a different feeling when I am with her, something I could not quite describe but would like to experience time and time again.

I stopped from walking and looked back from where I had passed. Her car was still there. The lights were on. She hasn't left yet. At this point, I am sure she found my letter. I intended to delay in giving her my response, because after what she had written, what else was there to say? For a while, I thought, I would just leave it like that. But receiving it and not responding to it would be unfair to her.

By now, I know she is reading it. I've known her long enough to note that she does not hang around after dropping someone off. She usually proceeds to her next destination, but here she was, staying inside of her car for the reason I am very sure of---my letter. Suddenly my thoughts drifted to what I wrote in that letter.

Ugh, self! Bakit ganon? I know how special Bea is to me, pero parang I do not have much strength to tell her directly or to pour out my thoughts the way she does. Maybe, I do not want to write so much so as not to open up previous emotions. I knew I had hurt her. And explaining things through that letter might just rub salt into old wounds and I am afraid that the grumpy, snobby Bea might resurface again. Parang okay na to. We are talking and hanging out na. This might be enough for now. Like what she said in her letter, we'd rather have something like this than none at all.

I looked back, her car was still there but the lights were off now. I am controlling myself from running back all the way to her car and hug her again, to just ditch going up to my room and forget about sleeping and not minding about the curfew. She makes me feel this way, to somehow let go of the consequences of my actions and just allow myself to feel. To feel her... To feel loved... To love her... Like I always have.

But my fears and conscience tells me otherwise. What the heck, why not take this chance, right? I left my things on the ground and started walking back towards her car. Hold on, Bei. Then, just as I was heading out the main door of the dorm, I saw the head lights turn on and her car sped away.

BEA

Here I am in my car after reading Jia's letter. I had to read it there and did not wait until I got home. In it, she told me that she wanted me to stay in her life. As if naman I will leave. Sobrang hirap nga to ignore her. Pero it's not quite clear to me what we are. She told me not to doubt my position in her life, but where do I really stand? I know I told her that I won't demand much, but she has been sending me signals that I could not fully decipher.

Looking outside the window, I see how the campus transforms to have this peaceful solitude at night. Oh how I envy it for it has somehow found its rhythm. In the daytime, this place has been bursting with energy, filled with loud voices and a barrage of emotions shooting up in the air. Now, it has become silent. Probably at peace, reserving its energy for another day. Somehow, I couldn't help but think that these trees might be exhausted also, despite standing still. People see how strong it is but deep within, it had to withstand its own processing to remain sturdy. I guess, I need to resemble that tree as well.

I am in my nighttime and I am a speck underneath the stars. There is this whole universe above me and yet I feel a different set of universe existing within me. Like my mind and my heart are planets that are galaxies apart. Tonight, I felt a different sense of revolution. Much like the earth and the sun. I know I've conditioned my mind to stay away from her but somehow, she has this unique kind of gravity that just pulls me even more towards her.

In those months after I found out that they were officially together, I have trained myself not to think of anything more between us. That we are a part of a team needing to co-exist and nothing more other than that. But tonight, I questioned everything. Why did she insist for this dinner to happen? Why was I in her lock screen? More so, why was it a photo of the both of us and not her and Miguel? If I was that special to her, why won't she let me know? She hugs me and she allows me to hold her in my arms longer than the usual. I know she loves me because I've heard her say it before. But this time, after everything we've been through, I know that love alone is simply not enough. I love her, yes. So much in fact to even allow her to hurt me like this. But there is nothing more to ask from her. I will still maintain my distance. I have to. Out of respect to her and the guy that won her heart way ahead of me.

In my peripheral vision, I saw a person walking towards the main door of the dorm, probably heading out. Get yourself together, Bea. You can't let anyone see you like this, all messed up and in tears. Be tough like the trees. I wore back my seatbelt, turned on my headlights and drove off to go home.