Like a Moth to a Flame

Lisa 5

"You and James seemed to have a closer relationship than what you're telling me," Reynolds says as he holds my gaze. "We've pulled up your phone records for the past 2 years and you two spoke every day, sometimes all day." He's right. We do; there's no denying that now with the facts staring me in my face as he pushes the phone records in my direction. "So, would I be going out on a limb by saying you were more than just friends?" "No, you wouldn't be. Its complicated. I.." Detective Reynolds leans back into his seat, "Remember, I've got all the time in the world. Let me see how complicated this could be."

His tone has turned harsh now and I would say a bit condescending. I look down onto the white sheet with James' phone number and mine, alternating itself 50 times and continue on. "About a year and a half ago, I noticed James started acting odd. More so than not. I know he's neurotic and dramatic and over analyzes things to the nth degree but it seemed like he was becoming jealous and possessive of me. Granted, you become entwined with someone after speaking to one another for years on end. So I just chalked it up to that. But then one day as we were chatting online, he tells me he has feelings for me, more than "friendship." I'm floored. I don't even know what to do with this information because I felt like we had formed some bond, some traumatic bond given the info. we've shared with one another. I was happy yet sad.

"How's that?" Reynolds asks as he continues to write something down. "I think it was because a portion of me felt for him, I mean, you become attached to someone after a while. And then it was sad because I knew once he said those words, the friendship was over. We were over."

He continues writing so I continue on as well. "I remember him being jealous of men I'd mention. He'd make demands of me early on and I was so starved of...a connection that I allowed it to continue." My arms begin to instinctively hug me as I continue on. "There was one time when he got angry over something he assumed happened. He always assumed there was someone else. So he came at me verbally with such hatred and vindication that I was trembling after reading each message that was coming through my phone. And then he began calling me and lashing out on me verbally. "Fuck you and your heart. I don't want it. You want me to stop??  You're the one messaging me you dumbass."  I pleaded with him to stop, to leave me alone but it was like he was in a moment of rage with me over something I never did. He stopped and apologized finally after I stopped responding to him and then he tells me he loved me and that he didn't mean what he said."

I can feel the warmth of my tears streaming down my face again but I don't wipe at them. I let them free fall because it was in this moment of my retelling, that I finally realized how badly I allowed him to treat me. I realized how little I allowed myself to settle for and it made me so ashamed and disappointed in myself. I lean back, closing my eyes yet the tears don't stop. I can feel him staring at me and I wish he weren't. The proverbial band aid has now started to become lifted and the wound is slowly being exposed.

I wince at what comes out of my mouth next.