Finding Finn Reed

XX

I no longer missed the cold fronts of Intemilly. After coming to the realization that my dear friend was nothing more than a manifestation of sorts, I knew I had no business staying. It had all begun to make sense to me as well, the manifestations, the illusions and dream like situations. Atticus's summer house was nothing more than a mirage, created by my own surrendering mind. When I knew I wasn't going to bring Finn back, my mind had found other ways to cope. Realizing now that all I had to do was leave, I knew I was ready to let go and move on. I left everything as it was, my apartment door was left wide open for anyone to intrude, all of my belongings were left behind, except for the three items that I took with me. I wasn't sure where I was going to go, I just wanted to leave. By the time I reached the train station, nightfall had blanketed the sky. I was the only one who waited by the train station, it was as though the station had been abandoned. Finally, after waiting an hour, the train pulled in. As the train doors opened, I walked in and handed a couple hundred dollar bills to the conductor. 

"Where to, miss?" the old rugged conductor asked as he took the money. I walked passed the old man, and made my way down the hall. "I don't know, take me somewhere where the sun always shines" I replied half way down the hall. I was the only passenger on the train besides the conductor, so I sat in the very back of the train, near the window. I shrugged in my seat, and stared outward as the train began to move.

As the train slowly left Intemilly, I had a couple thoughts on my mind that needed processing. From the time of Finn's death, I knew I wasn't going to be able to cope properly. I had never lost anyone before in my life. I've never lost a parent, a grandparent, an aunt, an uncle, or even a distant cousin for that matter. Finn was more than just a friend to me, but he wasn't my lover either. I cared about Finn deeply, but I wasn't ready to commit to any sort of romantic relationship with him. I would have taken his place when he died, but I wouldn't want to see him struggle with my death. All of these thoughts, seemingly contradicting each other, is what made me believe that my mind wasn't going cope on its own. I needed a guide. And when the human mind is shattered like so, the soul then begins to take over. It had amazed me how strong the human soul really was. To be able to manifest such amazing scenarios, all for the sake of someone's heart, it was a symbiotic relationship between the soul and the heart. As convincing as Atticus sounded, he was wrong about one thing. I was never a god. I was simply heartbroken.  

As the train sped up, I shut my eyes and focused on where I wanted to go. When I thought about it, I thought of how easy it would have been to simply time hop somewhere else. Despite how quick I could do it, I never did. I knew that I would always be a time hopper, but I also knew that I was done running away from my pain like that. Thinking about time hopping, I thought about something else. I began to think about the time Finn asked me if I loved him. For some reason or another, whenever I felt doubt, or concern, I would always be brought back to that moment in my life. If I had the opportunity, I would live inside that memory forever. I always knew that Finn loved me, and if the chance were ever given, I would have told him everything I felt. I would have told him how much he meant to me, how much I wanted to protect him. I would have told him all of my painful stories from before, how I got sad every time my father left for the day, how lonely I felt playing by myself, and how neglected I felt that my mother cared more for her garden than she did for her daughter. I would have told him to run away with me, to always be mine... But above all, I would have told him to be happy. I would hide a painful smile, and tell him that life is too short to stay in such a cold town. Despite how much I needed him, I knew he would have been happier somewhere else. I always acted like my selfish desires were nothing more than an innocent thought given by a heartbroken girl. But deep down, I knew I was holding him back. In the end, it was partly my fault he died that day. The grief was too much to bare, and who I was that day died along with Finn.

I opened my eyes to see where the train was. Everything still looked dark and gloomy, almost as if the train never left Intemilly. I shrugged my impatience off, and closed my eyes again, this time thinking about Atticus. From the very beginning I met Atticus, I resented him. However, after spending time with him, I realized something different. The only reason I hated Atticus, was because he was a spitting image of myself. The way he always acted on his desires, and the way he always had a sarcastic tone was the part of myself that I locked up, and for that I hated his guts. Every time he spoke, it felt like a thousand needles were being thrust into my spine. When he told me that he was also a time hopper, part of my heart opened up, and I felt as though there was still hope to make a difference. After I noticed the inevitable pattern of failure, I began to hate him even more. In the end, all that was left was sorrowful pity. Even as I closed my eyes to bid Atticus farewell, my heart pounded with anger and sadness. It was my unique way of killing the part of me that I hated, the part I always grieved for. Knowing that I would never see Atticus's face again gave me a sad sense of reassurance that everything would be okay, because he was gone. Atticus was never a real person, he never had a family and everything about him was fabricated. All Atticus was to me was dead weight that needed to leave. I could have done it at any time too. But despite how much I hated Atticus, I needed him to cope. I wasn't strong enough to face this loss on my own, I would have gone insane trying to do so. Atticus was there to make sure I was strong enough to realize that I would be fine on my own. Everything I hated in life, everything that made me weak and useless was the exact thing that Atticus embodied, and for that I would always be grateful at the fact that I was strong enough to let go.

"Ma'am? Are you awake?" the conductor asked, interrupting my deep thought. My eyes slowly opened up to a hazy scene. "Where are we?" I asked, getting up from my seat. The old conductor smiled at me with a warm and gentle stare.

"Some place where the sun always shines."