My legs were throbbing from walking so much. I'd been walking all over the town for the past, who knows how long, not wanting to go back to Kingston's Mansion. I didn't feel like seeing Christian, not yet. I usually never got hurt when people would call names at me but when Christian said it to me, I felt the worst possible feeling ever.
I don't know why Christian meant so differently to me, than any other people I knew.
Did I like him as more than a friend? Wait, no, that's a foolish thought, I refuse to feel anything like that towards him. That's crazy talk.
i was pretty much dragging my feet as I walked up to a park that was ahead. As soon as I reached it, I climbed onto the playground and found my way to the tub/cylinder thing that the playground had. I slid in the long colorful, kids tube/cylinder and laid in it, now out of sight of anyone who would drive past the park. I wanted to be alone where I could rest and think.
I was about to reach down for my pocket to grab my phone but I remembered I didn't bring it. Damn.
I felt hurt in a way, because of Christian. Wasn't he worried about me right now? Wasn't he looking for me? I haven't even came across him. I wanted to believe that he was looking for me, worried, since it was getting dark and I was alone out in the streets. yet, I felt like he was probably just with his friends right now, enjoying himself, completely forgetting that I even existed.
it brought an unpleasant feeling to my chest, just thinking about him laughing with his friends as I was miserable. he probably didn't care, he probably didn't regret calling me a bitch either, but that word coming from his lips directed towards me had bigger impact on me than I thought it would.
I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself from getting overwhelmed with all these complicated emotions and closed my eyes.
-
My head snapped up to the sound of a truck's loud engine roaring by the park. I sat up and examined my surroundings, though I couldn't really see anything anyways, since it was absolutely dark out. Jeez, I fell asleep and must have fallen asleep for quite a while.
I carefully found my way off the playground and began to walk forward in the direction of Christian' house. It was time I went back, it was dark and scary, I's also like to rather sleep on my comfortable bed than on a playground that was a s rough as a rock.
My legs were still aching a but way better than they were before I had fallen asleep in the playground tube/cylinder. i made sue to keep a nice , steady pace and not trip over rocks and little twigs on the dark street. as soon as i reached Christian's house, i opened the door and walked straight up the stairs and down the hall that lead to my room. i was able to see that the time was 11:36 p.m. as i passed a clock in the main entrance of the house though.
I stopped myself in the hallway that lead to my room to the noise of talking and laughing. Finally, taking my eyes off the floor, I looked up to see one of the doors that I would soon have to pass, to get to my room, wide open and letting out light. It was Christian's room. I was right all long, he was with his friends, enjoying himself as I suffered out in the cold, dark night. I could hear some of the familiar voices of his friends and the high pitched voice of a girl that could only belong to Christian's ex-girlfriend.
I immediately felt sick. I wanted to puke out all these feelings, drain them down the toilet, wave them goodbye for good and never have to deal with them again. If only you could throw feelings away like trash..
I didn't want to have to pass that open door. That meant they would all see me as I passed. I was about to turn back and just stay downstairs but I realized that I was probably just overreacting.
I'm being pathetic. I'm making it more harder and difficult than it already is.
I walked forward and stared straight ahead, not daring to look into Christian's room as I passed the open door. Out of the corner of my eye, just as I was pretty much out f sight from the doorway after passing it, I was able to catch a glimpse of figure standing up immediately and walking to get to me. I sped my walking and tried to get into my room and lock the door.
I already knew that it was Christian who had gotten up to follow me, I didn't even have to look back. I didn't want to talk or see him at all though.
Just as I entered my room an almost had it completely shut, Christian managed to slip in the thin, open crack. I felt like looking at him and yelling at him to get out but that would involve eye contact and communication with each other and I didn't want that.
I stayed stood where I was, in front of him, but I looked down at the floor.
"Will you please stop all this tension between us?" He quietly asked. I could feel his eyes glued off my face that happened to be trying to avoid him as much as possible.
I bit my lip, biting back from answering him saying how much I wanted that too, but what he called me really hurt me, more than I imagined a word could possibly hurt me, and I couldn't let something like that slip away so easily.
"Look, I'm sorry about what I said earlier." he continued, clearing his throat nervously.
All that answered him back was my silence.
I heard him say more stuff but I absolutely blanked out and got none of it. My world absolutely lost track and started replaying the hug of him and his ex-girlfriend and how they looked so happy when they saw each other. It just randomly came to me and it was all I could focus on. I looked up at Christian, his lips were still moving but I heard nothing. My world had blocked out all noise and everything else besides that one memory of Christian and his ex replaying over and over again in my head.
I wanted to cry again, but I didn't, I held it in.
I suddenly snapped back into reality and found Christian staring at me mad.
"Dammit Cecelia! You know what? I am not sorry actually! You deserve it. You aren't even listening to me right now. Well you know what? Go ahead and keep ignoring me all you want, I don't care anymore!" He spat, walking out my bedroom and slamming the door shut on the way out.
I was about to call after him and that's what I had been trying to do before I zoned out. So why would I run after him now?
Though, his words were firm and serious. He sounded like he really meant it. Had I really wanted him to say that?
I sighed and turned off my bedroom lights. Flopping onto my bed , I dug my g=face in my pillow and let out a few tears, I had cried so much today that I couldn't even imagine to make more anymore tears.
Today was so exhausting and horrible, I didn't have the strength to even let out all my emotions so I just laid still in the darkness.
I dug my face deeper in the pillow and groaned in disappointment of myself.
"Cecelia, why must you be so stupid and have such a stubborn, little heart?" I sighed into the pillow.
I rephrased the words that Christian had called my heart the day before the party.
Stubborn, little heart.
He wasn't wrong because that sure is what I have, just it's lonely and now broken too.
Now what was I going to do? Avoid Christian as he avoided me? Truth is, I don't want Christian to be mad at me, it was only making me feel ten times worse.
What the hell did I cause now?
Dammit.
