Catch Your Breath

Part II

Triggers: Suicide; Self harm; terminal illness.

Part II

When Katniss logged into The Reaping, a reminder of how many days she had left flashed up onto the screen, as if they didn't think she wasn't already counting the days down herself. She went to a different heading, one that wasn't DOD. One was a forum, where all the J_Does congregated and talked about their problems.

"My dad abuses me . . ."

"High School is just getting to much for me . . ."

"My girlfriend hits me and no-one will take it seriously . . ."

All of these people, with their names hidden behind the persona of J_Doe, complaining about their problems, not bothering to read anyone else's entry because they're too caught up in their own misery to care. In their eyes, nothing could be worse than their life. Everyone else was the site just didn't understand just how horrible their lives were. Even the people who did reply to a forum entry seemed to have a way of spinning it back to themselves.

"What you said sounds like something I went through not long ago . . ."

"Man, that sucks. I endured something worse . . ."

"I am going through something much more extreme . . ."

The human race were selfish; fickle; boring beings. They were all wrapped up in their own little bubbles, determined to make their lives sound bad; so their struggle could seem worse than the next person. When Katniss was in playgroup, she had a brief friend who sat with her at lunchtime. She was the sort of little girl that if you tripped playing hopscotch and your elbow was hurting, she would remind you that one time she dislocated her entire shoulder because she fell down the stairs.

Who knew that sympathy would become so hard to find?

Katniss clicked on the 'create new forum' button, and stared at the blank space with the line bubbling in and out of existence, waiting for her to start typing. Already it felt like judgement. Like the paper white screen and its emptiness was somehow already making assumptions about her pathetic problems. There were people on this website suffering from abuse; slavery; torment. What did she have to complain about in comparison to that?

Besides, she didn't need anyone's sympathy.

Katniss clicked away from the forum and went to the third heading. What she found was different methods of killing oneself. She was baffled to find detailed depictions of various different methods-some of which she had already attempted herself-and information on their efficiency; pain intensity on a scale of 1-10; it was very extensive. She almost wished she had this when she had tried before.

She had tried a couple of the methods here before. The first having been what most believe is the most common form: hanging. There were two ways should a way could go: either your neck snaps instantly or you hang until you suffocate. Katniss' attempt went wrong, and she ended up suffering the latter. Until, that is, the rope snapped and dropped her to the ground.

The most recent attempt was why she was now mute and wore a neck brace. A few months' prior, Katniss attempted to drink bleach. She had believed it was bulletproof. Bleach was poisonous, surely she wouldn't survive? All she remembered from the experience was violently vomiting; passing out; and waking up to the firemen breaking down her locked bathroom door. The pain in her throat had been so intense, she had been sure that this was it. That she had finally succeeded.

But no, they got her to the hospital fast enough. Her stomach was pumped and she survived. Now her oesophagus was damaged and she had to wear the stupid neck brace. More things to hold her back. More reasons to destroy her life.