In the throng of people, it can be rather suffocating.
The lack of space and oxygen, loud noise, shouting ideas, whispered opinions, quiet judgements.
I feel myself drowning in between person A and person B in a packed elevator.
Its not the anxiety, no, that's a whole different story, but rather, drowning in them; their personalities, them as a person. I feel bits and pieces of myself leaving, or being deeply suppressed in me. A facade has to be put on or else I'd die in the crowd; judged, eaten alive.
Not wanting to offend these people, or even say the wrong things, my mouth is kept shut almost 98% of the time. I have no time or energy to entertain such juvenile subjects. I've grown out from that and to succumb back into it would be a sacrificing myself; my growth, my whole journey.
Back then, I'd use 'easily adapt' to describe myself. I was a chameleon like that. Throw me anywhere, and while it would take me a while to settle in, I would. But, of late, it seems harder.
Perhaps its because of my stance, my judgements, my opinions.. Its hard growing up, you see. Before, I would be easily influenced, easily seduced, easily give in to popular demands, be it on the choice of clothing, or the kind of movies 'we' now watch, but now its the total opposite. Its like a mixed matched puzzle and none fits to mine. I was thrown into the wrong box of puzzle.
Maybe its me.
I use 'loner' to describe myself now. I'm too tired to have anyone near me to care about them. I have a handful of whom I care deeply, and to those, I invest all my time and energy on. Therefore, all energy lost there and there isn't any back up to support the rest. Either you're on my list or I couldn't care less.
Yet, sometimes, these handful of people just don't seem to understand how exclusive my list is.
It tickles my bones.
