Abnormal (Phan AU)

Chapter 2

Warning: This is also another pretty triggering chapter, it describes Phil's depression and urge to self harm. It'll get better soon I promise, no more chapters as triggering as this one and the last one

*Phil's POV*

My life was pretty depressing. Well maybe it actually wasn't that bad. No, there was no denying that my life was horrible. There were so many people who had it worse than me but... I don't really even know anymore.

And I haven't known. Ever since I lost my best friend a year ago. She had been everything to me, she had been the one to make me smile, laugh, and she was the one I had talked to absolutely everything about. I didn't know what I would have done without her.

Until I knew.

It had been April 16th, the day my life changed forever.

I remembered it was one am and I had been woken up to my phone buzzing. Who could have been calling me this late at night? I grabbed the phone in my hands and saw it was Alyssa, the little shit.

"Hello?"

"Hi Phil, this is Alyssa's mom."

Why was Alyssa's mom calling me, especially this late at night? That's when panic first struck me. Alyssa's mom had sounded so tired and exhausted. Was Alyssa okay? Oh my god.

"Oh um h-hello," I stuttered, at that point I was starting to be completely overtaken by worry. Phil calm down, I had told myself. You're overreacting. No matter how hard I tried though, there was no way I could've gotten rid of the anxiety that had started building up. The nagging thoughts wouldn't go away, escpecially the thought that this is how it always went in books and movies when a charecter gets hurt or dies.

"P-phil." I could hear her mom start to cry.

I was on the verge of breaking down. Alyssa can't be hurt, no no. I had to think positively, maybe something amazing had happened to Alyssa and her family and those were tears of hapiness. I had known though, those tears were for sure those of sorrow. I had needed to control myself though, so I constantly kept telling myself lies so I wouldn't break down.

"Alyssa. She's dead."

Those were the three words that changed my life forever.

"WHAT!" I screamed. I had lost all control now, tears were streaming down my face at a very fast pace.

"She was stabbed walking home from the grocery store, the doctors tried to save her but..."

"No no no NO!" I shrieked. I was overflowing with sadness, anger, and so many other emotions. All my emtions were leaking out and it was impossible to keep them all in. I was sobbing, shaking, screaming, slamming the ground. This could not be real, this had to be a dream.

"I'm sorry Phil."

--

The next month was hell for me.

In school everyone gave me those sympathetic glances, constantly reminding me of what had happened. Everywhere I walked inside that middle school building, I was reminded of her. I would see the corner in one of the hallways where we always used talk and would be reminded of all the good conversations we had there. I would sit at our lunch table alone, and seeing Alyssa's spot empty made me cry or almost cry everytime. I would see Alyssa's locker and be reminded of all the daily gossip she told me there, besides my protests. I couldn't even go through the first week after her death without breaking down at least once everyday in school.

There had also been no one blocking me from being the bullies punching bag anymore. When I had started to get bullied I did nothing for myself. Focusing on the pain gave me a distraction, it helped me cope with the overwhelming sadness I felt. Eventually the bullies did get found out. I knew they were going to come back soon, but until then I would have to wait for my daily dose of punches. I couldn't wait anymore though, I was desperate and needed the pain.

The next day after the bullying had stopped I had locked the bathroom door in my house and stood in front of the sink with a knife in hand. Ready to give the pain to myself instead.

Just as the knife was about to touch my skin I stopped. The knife fell out of my hands and clattered on the ground. I knelt down on the floor and put my face in my hands. I started violently sobbing, waterfalls flowing down both my eyes. Imagine what Alyssa would think of you right now. Alyssa would never want you to do this to yourself, she would want you to get back up on your feet, and move on. She would want you to be happy.

I got up, started to fill the bath with nice, warm water, and put a bath bomb in it. Like norishing myself would repay for me thinking of hurting myself. Guilt was filling inside of me and eating my insides, the overwhelming feeling of it tempted me to pick up the knife again. I knew what I had to do though and stopped myself.

I'm so sorry Alyssa, oh my god. I'm so sorry for letting others hurt me and almost hurting myself. I'm sorry for what I've become.

That day I had made a promise to myself, that I was never going to try and hurt myself again. I was going to stop being such a sad, depressed mess and I was going to try and make myself happy again. For Alyssa.

--

The day Alyssa died had drained out almost all my positivity. I still smiled, and wore it on the outside though. The world was a dirty and disgusting place. How people could do something as cold and heartless as taking the life of another human being for hardly any reason at all was beyond me. At least when I smiled at someone I was spreading some positivity, lighting up this dark and murky world even if it was only a little.

Thimgs were getting a bit better. I still definitely was though, far off from the person I had been before Alyssa died. I was still very sad and depressed even though her death was over a year ago. I had regained some of my light, but not even close to all of it.

I had asked my parents if I could go to a different school after that month of hell, and they gladly agreed which I was forever grateful for. We had even moved houses!

Even though I'd moved and was starting to look at things from an optomistic view point again, I knew I was missing something.

I needed someone to be like what Alyssa was in my life. When she died, she left a hole inside of me. Something that only she could fill, or someone like her.

There was no way possible I was ever going to find someone like Alyssa in this new high school I was going to. I was weird and no one liked me. Nobody was going to want to be friends with a sad little nerdy outcast like me, and even if they were there was probably going to be a 1% chance that they were going to be able to fill this hole inside me.

I was going to be incomplete like this for a while, or mabye even forever.

*Author's Note*
Yes another depressing chapter, but things will get better soon!
May is coming up and that month is going to be super busy for me so don't expect a lot of updates soon
-Iris :)