Pictures - Ashton Irwin (completed)

2.4

"I'm not going Ash, I just I-I can't go ok?" I sobbed from the depths of my bed sheets, in the burrito I'd made myself into.

"Baby please, you'll never forgive yourself if you don't," he soothed, his hand finding mine under the pile of covers.

"Going means saying goodbye to him, to my best friend and and I-I can't do it, I'm not ready," I stammered, my eyes filled with tears, my thoughts and words were failing me. There was a hole, a giant gaping hole in my heart and I didn't know how to make it go away, how to bring Luke back.

"Don't think of it as a goodbye then Sam, think of it as a see you soon? Think of it as 'this isn't the end?' Yeah?"

His words made sense, this wasn't the end of mine and Luke's lifelong friendship, after all nobody knows what's on the other side? No one knows what awaits us? I can only hope and pray that Luke was met with love, fun and excitement.

That he's happy.

I'm not happy though. I'd much rather him be here, by my side where he belongs. Where I tell him all about Ashton and how everything went, where I can steal his shirts and flannels and we can have our weekend movie marathon that we've had ever since we were little.

But we can't.

Because I took his car and he had no choice to walk home.

Meaning he went the long way and ended up in the wrong place at the wrong fucking time.

It's my fault.

"It's my fault, I shouldn't have taken his fucki-" my telling was cut off as Ashton's hands grabbed me from under the safety of my covers.

"Babygirl please don't say that, it's no your fault ok? Luke could've caught a ride with Calum or Michael ok? He chose to walk home and as for the accident? You weren't the one drunk and driving were you? You didn't hit him, it's not your fault baby," his words were soothing and were truly what I needed to hear but still in the depths of my heart, I still felt to blame.

"I can't go Ashton, I can't face seeing him so lifeless when he was the exact opposite yknow? Smiling and full of life? Always jumping around like an over excited puppy, always singing and and an-d dancing," I cried, huge ugly sobs escaped my lips as I clung to Ashton's shirt and buried my face into his chest.

"I know baby, I know, trust me, I'll miss that the giant dorky giraffe too," he sniffled and I met his watery gaze, "It's even harder for me knowing he's your best friend and watching you hurt so badly without him," his wiped his eyes, then my own and rested his forehead against mine, "Sam baby I know it hurts right now and I can't begin to understand how much it hurts but can you do me a favour? Just for a second?"

I nodded my head against his slightly to show him I was listening closely.

"Can you try and see past the pain, years from now of course and picture the future? Picture yourself with a career, having you let own apartment, getting married and having children? Can you imagine that for me?"

I bit my lip with uncertainty as I pondered his question, truth is I wasn't sure. Before when I had Luke, I'd had everything pictured out perfectly or at least had an idea of my future. But still, even now, Luke will be a part of my future, of my life. Always.

"I, I, I don't know,"

"Just try please for me, try and find the pictures you had of your future, picture the wedding you dreamed of, like I am? Try and see past the pain and see our wedding yeah? See your future children running around or smiling as you tell them our story,"

I smiled as I realised he'd said our wedding and our story, he was picturing a future with us together and was trying to get me to do the same, see by the pain and see any signs of possible happiness.

And I think I could. One day, I'll get there.