To Have & To Hold (Completed/ Published in Dreame app)

37

Katniss and I ate breakfast in the garden at the back of our house. It was our first time to eat there, and I intended for us to have spend time there for her to appreciate the beautiful place.

Talagang ipinalagay ko ang garden set sa likod ng bahay dahil sa magandang tanawin ng bundok at mga puno. Naglagay din ako ng iba't ibang halaman upang pagandahin ang lugar na iyon dahil inimagine ko kami ni Katniss na parating kakain ng umagahan doon hanggang sa pagtanda namin.

But as we quietly ate our breakfast, I felt like my dream of us spending quality time here in the garden until we are old and gray will not happen anymore. This was because we stopped looking at each other. We stopped talking to each other. We stopped feeling excited being together, like we used to.

She busied eating her food, while I pretended to be busy with my newspaper. Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga bago kinuha ang kopita at uminom ng kape. Sinadya kong maubo na kunwari ay nasamid ako sa pag-inom ng kape, upang makakuha ang atensyon niya at makakuha man lang ng reaksyon sa kanya. But she didn't even bat an eyelash. She just continued to stare blankly at her food as she ate.

It was clear to me that she was not happy having breakfast with me, and having my presence around her. It was already obvious that she wasn't happy anymore with me. And I know why... I f*cking know why! The bitter truth was that she doesn't love me. She loves someone else.

"Have you considered my proposition?" she coldly asked while she ate.

I stared blankly at her. I was surprised that she spoke. I have never heard her sweet voice for a long time, and the heavens know how much I missed it.

"What proposition, my dear wife?" I coolly asked, pretending that I was not tensed inside.

"Proposition to divorce..." she said without emotions as if what she just said was as casual as telling me she would like to buy a new furniture for the house.

"You know my answer to that." I replied with a fake smile on my face, and stood up, intending to walk out.

"You can't keep me to you forever! I don't love you!" She angrily muttered under her breath.

Napabilis ang aking paghinga at sinara ko ang aking mga kamao ng mahigpit na para bang itatago nito ang naguumapaw na sakit na nararamdaman ko sa aking dibdib.

Dahan dahan akong lumapit sa kaniya at naghanap ng kahit katiting na sinyales sa kaniyang mga mata kung naroon pa ba ang dating Katniss na mahal ako noon. Baka sakaling may katiting pa siyang pagmamahal na natitira para sa akin. At kung makita ko iyon ay magkakaroon ako muli ng pag-asa na huwag bumitaw. Pero wala akong nakita.

Gayunpaman, lumapit ako sa kanya.

Lumuhod ako sa kanyang harapan. "Please... don't leave me." I begged.

But she pushed me on the chest and I felt like I was suffocating. I could not breathe. It was like I was drowning in Red water.

Napamulat ako ng mata at mabilis na bumangon ng kama na pawis na pawis ang mukha at katawan. The anxiety caused by our situation was giving me a nightmare.

Napahilamos ako ng mukha at pinahupa ang kaba sa aking dibdib, bago bumaling kay Katniss na mahimbing na natutulog.

Bagamat inamin niya kay Gerard na mahal pa niya ito, magpapatay malisya na lamang ako sa narinig ko. This is because I don't have the courage to confront her about it, and I don't want to give her a chance to tell me that she would like to separate with me. I would just quietly do everything I can to make her consider loving me. Kaya naman sa tuwing susubukan niya akong kausapin ay umiiwas ako. It was barely a month that passed by with me having a heavy heart. I missed Katniss—very much. Pero sa tuwing aalis ako sa umaga ay tulog siya, at sa tuwing darating ako ng bahay ay tulog na si Katniss. Perhaps para makaiwas na rin sa impending talk na gusto niyang isagawa. May kutob na kasi ako kung ano ang sasabihin niya at ayoko siyang bigyan ng pagkakataon na kausapin ako dahil natatakot akong marinig iyon.

Sabihin na niya akong bakla o walang bayag na harapin ang totoo, pero hindi ko kaya pakinggan na sabihin niya sa akin na maghiwalay na kami.

It would just be too much for me to handle. Hindi ko kaya. Mababaliw ako. But come to think of it, am I not already crazy because I couldn't make up my mind if I wanted to forestall the 'talk' she wanted to have with me by leaving early and coming home late so as not to see her, but everytime I don't see her, I'm missing her like a hopeless fool? This is driving me crazy. It's making me sick!

Yeah, I'm sick. I literally have fever. And all I want now is to go home and be taken care of by my wife.

I can't stand it anymore! If kids want their mommies when they are sick, well, I want my wife! I need her so badly beside me... to take care of me.

Hindi ako nakatiis. Nahihilo na ako kanina pa sa sama ng pakiramdam ko. Pinilit ko na lamang ipagmaneho ang sarili ko, makauwi lamang ako sa bahay at makapiling si Katniss.

Umuwi ako ng bahay ng 4:00 pm, ngunit hindi si Katniss ang bumungad sa akin kungdi sina Percival... at Gerard!

Agad na nangunot ang noo ko, at naisip na baka himukin na naman nila ang asawa ko na tumestigo.

They were seating at the bench I placed in front of the house.

"Paano ninyo nalaman kung nasaan kami?" tanong ko na hindi man lang nakatingin sa kanila. Abala ako sa pagkuha ng aking mga gamit sa sasakyan.

Tumayo si Percival sa bench at lumapit sa akin. "Tol, pumunta kami sa bahay ng iyong lolo at si Celine ang nakausap namin. She gave us direction to your house." Paliwanag nito, habang si Gerard naman ay tahimik lang na nakatayo sa bench.

Napabuntong hininga ako. Si Celine talaga wala ng ginawang mabuti!

"What brings you here?" I faced Percival and then looked at Gerard. "Nagpasundo ba sa inyo si Katniss?"

Napakunot noo si Gerard. "No." Sagot nito.

"Eh bakit nandito kayo?" pabalang kong tanong.

"Gusto lang namin magpasalamat sa inyo ni Katniss, dahil nanalo si Gerard sa kaso." Sagot ni Percival na tila pinapakalma ako.

Napabuntong hininga ako. "Kay Katniss kayo magpasalamat." Sabi ko lang. "Kanina pa ba kayo dito?" tanong ko kay Percival.

"Half an hour." Sagot ni Percival.

"Bakit kayo nandito sa labas? Hindi ba kayo pinatuloy ni Katniss sa loob ng bahay?" taka kong tanong at nag-alala. It was strange that Katniss wouldn't open the door for visitors--- especially that the visitor was the love of her life--- Gerard.

"Kanina pa kami kumakatok, pero walang sumasagot." Sagot ni Percival.

Duon na ako nag-alala at mabilis na kinuha ang susi sa aking bulsa. I unlocked the door and ran to the ground floor bathroom. She wasn't there. I immediately went to the second floor of our house and went straight up to look for her. Wala din si Katniss doon.

Gusto ko pa sana lumabas ng bahay upang hanapin siya ngunit pagtapak ko sa hagdan ay bigla akong nahilo. Sa bilis siguro ng aking paghahanap sa kaniya ay nahilo at nagdilim ang paningin ko.

"Utt!" Narinig ko pang sigaw nina Percival at Gerard.