Choices and Even More Choices.

Falling apart

             It was a beautiful day, no worries no problems. It was a bit of a busy morning, with the kids getting ready for their zoo trip with their father on a Sunday. I can hear the kids Melanie and Zach, asking me why I'm not going with them and their father.

"I have cleaning to do in the house and I don't seem to be in the mood to go out and walk all day with this baby inside of me" I said.

Melanie sighs, "But Mom! We will be looking at different kinds of animals and having loads of fun!!"

"I know sweetie but mom has to stay in this house and take care of herself a bit so this baby can be healthy!" I said, trying to smile.

"Alright mom, as long as you'll be fine being by yourself in this house for a couple hours." Said Melanie.

"Yeah! but are you sure you don't want to come with us?" Asked Zach.

"I am sure Zach, now run long with your father" I said.

            Their father rushes to get the car ready and to make sure they are all set for their fun day at the zoo because he does not want to experience traffic trying to get to the zoo to spend time with this two great children. They are now all set and ready to go. The children made sure to hug me and say goodbye. I did the same and said have a nice day and not make their father go crazy, I love you. As they walk out the door, my husband Eric kisses my cheek and tells me to have a nice day staying at the house and I love you. As they all walk out the door I yell, "Be safe!! I love you guys!!" 

I had two great children and a wonderful husband. Also, a third child on the way. What could possibly go wrong? 

Hours has passed by now. No worries no problems at all. I got done a bunch of cleaning this morning and now I am ready to lay in bed already to take a nap. As I walk upstairs up to my room I get a phone call from the house phone. I go back down to answer it. While walking, the phone starts ringing like crazy. Trying not to be stressed, I try to walk a bit fast to try to answer it as soon as possible. 

"Hello?" I said.

"Is this Lonnie Clifton?" Said by an unknown person.

"Um, yes this is Lonnie Clifton and who is this?" I asked.

"This is the police, I have some news for you. I am so sorry but your husband and two children were found dead this morning. It was a terrible car accident and they were sent to the hospital as soon as this accident happened. A guy was driving really fast for some unknown reason and crashed into your husbands car really bad, hitting them really bad. The guy somehow survived this accident and once he gets better he will be immediately sent to jail for killing an innocent man, one girl and one boy.  I am truly sorry for your lost ma'am. The doctors tried everything they could and so did we." Says the Police.

I open my mouth, dropping the phone in shock. Leaving the police hanging without any words. This could not be happening. No, not now not today. My head is pounding really hard telling myself this was all a dream. I had tears in my eyes, telling myself this is all a dream. A very terrible dream. I was speechless. I was falling apart and so was my world. I turn on the television and the news was on. A reporter is on the set of where the car accident, explaining what has happened. I turned off the television really quick, falling apart again. I slide off the couch and on my knees balling my eyes out screaming.

"Why did this have to happen? what am I going to do?" I cried out. 

I had the idea of killing myself. I head straight to the kitchen and grab the knife. I think to myself I have to do this. I have no choice but to die. I didn't want to continue to live without the people I loved. I start crying again filled with pain in my heart. I continue to have those thoughts on having to grab this knife and cut my wrists really bad to feel the pain just to die. I had nobody else to help me. I stared down to my stomach and thought about the baby.

"What am I going to do with this baby then? Let it die with me or let it live the life it deserves?"

I couldn't seem to think straight anymore. I didn't know what I was going to do anymore. I don't want to take my baby's life away just by killing myself. It needs to live but I couldn't make the choice now. My mind was set on dying and not living anymore. I just don't know what I want anymore. I don't know if it was worth living and have this baby or just to die in pain with this unborn baby I never saw grow up to live it's life. What was I going to do? I dropped on the ground on my knees crying so hard, with this knife in my hand. I wished this was all a dream. But I knew this wasn't a dream. I knew I had to make the choice on wither to live or to die.