Choices and Even More Choices.

I need help

              I have decided to get help for myself because these thoughts were just not normal. I needed the help I could get by talking to someone. I have booked an appointment with a therapist in town. As I ride this car to go see this therapist, I tried not to have those killing myself thoughts. Killing myself will not be a solution to everything. If I kill myself now there is no going back. And I had to make the right choice. The right choice right now is to see this therapist to hear me out and hear my problems. Keeping it inside of myself was not good at all. 

          As I park my car outside of the office I started having those thoughts again. The thoughts of driving away and ending my life in one blink of an eye. As I stare out the window, with those thoughts I start having flashbacks. Flashbacks on when I use to been happy with my husband, Eric and my two wonderful children Melanie and Zach who use to been alive. Alive living this life that was really hard at time and that was easy those times. Even though living life was hard I still had Eric, Melanie and Zach to live it with me, making life a little less complicated. Now it's all gone and I had no idea if everything was going to be the same anymore without them being here with me. 

        I have finally gotten out of the car, heading to the therapists office. I was ready to let out all my sadness and pain. The sadness and pain I've been keeping inside of me for the past couple days. As I walk to the door, I breathe in and out and opened the door. As I enter, I find my therapist at her desk looking up at me smiling. She seemed like she was expecting me.

"Are you Lonnie Clifton?" She said.

"Yes." I said, trying to smile.

"Hello! I am sue and I will be your therapist, please follow me into my office." Said Sue.

I walk  into her office, taking a seat. As I take my seat, she gets her mini notebook and sits down herself. As I sit down, I look around acting all curious. Sue could tell I seemed curious just looking at around in her office. She finally speaks to stop the awkwardness.

"How may I help you today? I've heard what has happened to your family. I'm guessing that's why you are here ma'am?" Asked Sue.

"Uh, yes that is why. I've been having problems with myself because of it. I just miss having the people that I love. Now it's even more harder because I'm pregnant and I have no idea what I am going to do. I've been having many second thoughts about having this baby. I had no one and I need help because of it." I said, trying not to cry. 

"It's okay to let it all out Lonnie. I get you are feeling a lot of sadness inside of you but it is normal to feel that way. Especially when you have another baby on the way, when you have your loved ones all gone. It's okay. There is this thing called having a closure. A closure to your past."

I look at her very confused saying, "A closure?"

"Yes, you are too focused on the past and not in the future. You need to find your closure. To say goodbye to your family and say hello to your baby. You know baby's are a blessing and a joy to the world."

I start thinking to myself, saying this was a bad idea. This was not helping at all. I start to get up and walk myself out of the door, leaving the therapist hanging. Sue tries to stop me and says I really do need help and to say. I ignore her and walk myself to the car as she stand there speechless. I had to get out. I had no choice but to drive away. Drive away from a person who couldn't help at all. It just made it worse. 

As I drive, I still got those second thoughts. As I get those second thoughts I just keep driving and driving. I decide to stop by the park. The park that Eric, Melanie, Zach would go to every Sunday afternoon. It was the perfect way to spend together as a family on a Sunday. The kids would play at the playground while Eric and I walk by the pond holding each other's hand. I was sitting on the bench near the pond. The pond Eric and I would walk every Sunday afternoon, telling each other how much we loved each other and how we are so lucky to be together. Then the kids would run up to us to go with them to the swings to push them both. We would push them, make them laugh and make memories. 

                   I will never forget the happiness I use to have. The happiness I wish I still had today. I was touching my belly, asking myself what am I going to do and where I was going to go to have that happiness back. I start walking myself back to the car before I started crying, having those flashbacks to when I use to been happy. I've never had this much pain in my life and I knew it needed to end. But I just didn't know what to do. I wish I could be happy again, like I was. I drive into the sunset saying, I need help.