The Burn Book

Canooks

Okay so I'm going to express my great hatred of this country. The people in it are nice, but the country itself? Piece of shit.

I've only been to Canada 3 times and each time has upset me to no end.

The first time I was with my parents. It was my first time ever leaving the country and I was so excited. For some fucking twisted reason I thought Canada was going to be some magical place with meese hopping around everywhere. I thought the streets were going to be so clean that you'd be punched and given a ticket if you spit on it. I believed that every house that I drove by, I was going to want to live there. I thought canadians drobe on the left side of the road. But no.

The part of Canada I go to, is sketchy as fuck. SO FUCKING SKETCHY.

Its all one way streets and you drive on the right side of the road like america. I'm 80% sure they don't even have littering laws because I had to dodge the tumbleweeds of shitty garbage flying across the street a numerous amount of times. Never saw a fucking moose.

So I dropped my parents off at the casino and drove my big ass truck down this 3 lane one way street and I notice the mall on the right. So I was like cool! That's where I fucking want to go. But as I'm trying to get in the right lane this bag of cunts drives on the right lane and stays there. I sat there screaming at this little bitchy teenager. Her nose in the air, cause she's a fucking wonderful Canadian.

So I got to the mall and couldn't figure out the money and shit. But that's okay it didn't bother me much. But when I left I had to find out how to get back to the casino that was on the one way street I came down.

THE FUCK?

So I have a crazy amazing sense of direction and I knew the way to go. So I followed my instincts and the road I had to turn down was Fucking blocked off. There happened to be an accident with like 4 Canadian cop cars with their maple leafs parked in this intersection. I just said fuck it and ran the red light and went past these fucking Canadian police guys. DID I GET STOPPED? NO.

So I kept driving, trying to find a different street to turn down but I ended up driving through some sketchy ass neighborhoods with boarded up windows and caved in roofs. And almost every neighborhood I drove through in Canada has looked like this. I wouldn't let my dog walk in these fucking houses. It looked like something out of Detroit. I'm pretty sure I seen a drug deal.

Sure it was probably a maple syrup deal. But whatever.

Second time in Canada: not awful. Went to Tim Horton's got a cinnamon bun and a coffee. And talked with a gay guy Bout the shitty weather. But yet again I didn't see a moose and I was in a sketchy neighborhood.

Third time in canada: I wanted to see Melissa McCarthy's movie The Boss. And there is no movie theatre where I go to college at. So naturally I have to go to Canada. I didn't have a ride, so me and some friends took a bus. It cost like 2 dollars and that isn't bad. The bus was moving around so much I almost puked. But that could've been from the alcohol I had the day before. It took us like 30 minutes to get through border patrol and it was constant stopping and going.

I was feeling so fucking sick. So I decided I'd get some food to ease my stomach. I'm american. So naturally I'd go to McDonald's. I got a chicken wrap, a drink, and some fries. I asked for some ranch to go with my fries.

And what do they do?

GIVE ME AN UNCOVERED, SMALL BOWL OF HORSE RADISH.

FUCKING HORSE RADISH!

What is wrong with this country?

Whatever.....

So we watched the movie that was supposed to be amazing. But in reality it wasn't that funny. I didn't really like it and almost regret seeing it.

Afterwards me and my friends go to get the bus back to america and we notice that the busses stopped running for the day.

JUST MY FUCKING LUCK.

We called around to our other friends, hoping they could hook us up. After 30 minutes later we got one of our Friend's boyfriend to pick us up.

COOL

He came another 30 minutes later and picked us up. He got lost driving around and that took awhile to find our way back to the Canadian bridge. But he got it eventually.

So on the bridge I started texting my mom that I wasn't going to be stranded in Canada.

But then FUCKING BORDER PATROL started screaming at me to put my phone down.

WHAT THE FUCK?

He kept saying YOU CANT HAVE YOUR PHONE OUT. MOST PEOPLE WOULD TAKE IT AWAY AND WOULD SEND IT TO WASHINGTON TO BE DETAINED AND SEARCHED THROUGH TO MAKE SURE YOU AREN'T RECORDING US. THEN YOU HAVE TO PETITION TO GET YOUR PHONE BACK AND THAT CAN TAKE UP TO SIX MONTHS TO GET IT BACK. AND MOST PEOPLE DON'T WANT THEIR PHONE BEING SEARCHED BECAUSE OF WHAT'S IN IT.

What the actual fuck? Take my phone away! Its a piece of shit anyway. No really, you'd be doing me a favor. Thank you officer dipshit. Hope you enjoy all of the one direction smut and the walking dead fan fiction I have on here. I was getting tired of this phone.

I mean come on. He didn't have to go into all story mode about what could potentially happen to my phone. All he had to say was "Ma'am please put your fucking phone down, you aren't supposed to have it out when you're hopping borders."

Then I'd say.. "Oh I'm sorry sir. I was just stranded over in that hell hole of a country and had to text my mom that I was okay now."

BUT NO HE HAD TO GO MAKE THE CONVERSATION A HUGE FUCKING WASTE OF MY LIFE.

And I didn't get to see a fucking moose. I'm done.

GONE BYEEEEE

-Thor