Lost

Your own little world

Dear diary,

I haven't talked to you in words. But I have talked to you by understanding how it feels to let go of this own world. You looked at me with fear of letting go and I understood. I understood how rough reality becomes when you get to know a place on earth where things are just okay.

Your eyes were glowing when you looked at me and the moment when the last chord was played and the last word came out of your mouth, your eyes reminded me of dark holes. I was scared to fall and that's why I turned my head down.

I think everyone has that little world they can escape into when life is rough. People sit in their room and stare at the ceiling. Their thoughts wander all around, thinking about the past, the future, the 'wanna-haves' and the 'not-gonna-haves'. 

One of the best examples is writing a story. You live a whole new life and all the problems which surround you in your daily routine just disappear for two or three hours. You live a life which is made-up. It has its mistakes and people fail there but you have the control and I think that's the most amazing thing. Having something under control is not always positive but when you disappear into your own little world, control is the reason for you to survive the next day. You cannot determine your destiny and a lot of shit happens during the years but in your world you know from the very first beginning that it is totally up to you whether there's gonna be a happy ending or not.

And that is what I understood when you listened to the cheering audience. I understood your fear. 

Fear of making mistakes. Mistakes are there to learn from them but sometimes they just ruin everything you had back then.

Fear of ending up alone. Everyone dreams of that happy ending and not having one may be the most devastating thing in life.

Fear of letting go. I know how it must've hurt, waking up again, after every song you've played, desperately trying to get your life sorted.

Fear of losing control. Yeah, you were absolutely scared of losing the strings you needed to continue the play.

And well somehow you did.